"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien
"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." --Conan O'Brien
"What a rough crowd last night. Rough, they were surly. They were quiet. I'm telling you. It was quiet in here. It was like a Lehman Brothers Christmas party. The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It's that cold." --David Letterman
"It is freezing everywhere. It was so cold in Washington, even Bill and Hillary were snuggling." --Jay Leno
"Insider tip. How many folks still have cars? Anybody here still have a car? You know, you can turn them in, take them in to Washington and they'll give you your money back. And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money." --David Letterman
"One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe believe Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats." --David Letterman
"The shoe-tossing guy in Iraq, you know, he wrote a letter to President Bush and he apologized. He said, 'Dear president Bush, I'm sorry I threw a shoe at you.' And I was thinking, wait a minute. When is President Bush going to apologize for invading Iraq?" --David Letterman
"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno
"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview on '60 Minutes' on Sunday that, if the Constitution allowed it, he would like to run for president. Yeah. Yeah. There's a switch, a Republican being stopped by the Constitution, when does that ever happen?" --Jay Leno
"The largest donor at the Clinton library turns out to be Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Well, some critics argue that such close financial ties to the Mideast could be a conflict of interest. However, Hillary Clinton says she will not advocate Arab policies. Except, you know, the practice of stoning adulterers." --Jay Leno
"NBC is showing, once again, the classic movie 'It's a Wonderful Life.' See, it is so different today. See, when they made that movie, back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing." --Jay Leno
