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主题 : ABC女孩自述:“最差劲的中国人"与“小眼睛”之间
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楼主  发表于: 2015-11-03   
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ABC女孩自述:“最差劲的中国人"与“小眼睛”之间

来源:搜狐教育----北美留学生日报
作者:Maria Liu
翻译:蒋慧慧(日报记者)


  我并不是在美国长大的。 可总有法国人说,我那咧到耳根子的笑容,一看就知道是美国人。 而中国人也从来不觉得我是他们其中的一员——虽然没有明说出来,可每次走在国内的大街上总被人当猴子一样死死盯着的遭遇却足以说明一切。 最近在一堂课上,我跑去跟一个中国的男孩子打招呼——我在其他课上也有见过他,总是孤零零地一个人。就想说跟他交个朋友,他也好来得自在些。可没想到,他却不知怎的突然蹦出一句:“ 你就是那种最差劲的中国人。” 我一下子怔住了。完全不明白,本来关于纽约生活的瞎侃,是怎么突然转到这么严肃、私人的话题的。 “你刚刚是说,我是最差劲的那种中国人吗?” “是的。” “为什么?”我还是完全搞不懂这是什么情况。 “因为你生在中国,却在美国长大。”我很无语。一个我自认为跟他享有共同文化的人却明摆着硬生生地在排斥我。 “我的身份是美籍华人。我来自中国,虽然我对它了解不深,也永远没办法像你们那样深入体会,可这个背景对我来说仍然很重要。我知道我非常地西化,但我仍是一个中国人,不管是外在长相,还是我对自己的认知。我大部分的家人都还在中国。我没法决定我的命运,也做不到回到过去,选择在中国长大。你这样子对我,只能说明你很差劲。” “但不仅是我,就算是我的朋友们,也都会说你是最差劲的中国人。”他这样回答我。 “那我只能说,我为他们的狭隘感到悲哀。”快要上课了,我这样匆匆回复他结束了对话。

  课间的时候,听说了这件事的朋友都跑来安慰我。他们支持我的回应,但也觉得我没有必要去向别人解释。我因他没能融入集体而试着去帮助他;同时,我也没必要太把他无知傲慢当回事,免得显得我自己急于证明什么。但事实是,我的确被他的话伤到了,也曾为此找我的家人和中国朋友们谈过。的确,现在我看起来像个美国人,但这并不能抹掉我来这儿之前,在中国所度过的那段岁月。
  
  这已经不是第一次,我因自己的特殊身份而被特殊对待了。

  上小学的时候,班里大部分还都是亚洲小孩;可到初高中,情况就大不相同了。我常常发现,我必须要让自己看起来不那么亚洲化,才能在班里混得开;有时甚至要避免与其他的亚洲人做朋友,好让自己显得更主流化。我并非有意如此;那时,我还只是个孩子,光知道因为自己的不同而暗自难过,却不明白为何会如此。我常常会 故意不读书,免得被人说是“亚洲式书呆子”;我不再去中文学校,而开始没完没了地练习钢琴(很可惜我最终并没有坚持下来),因为我不愿自己被继续边缘化。(而事实上,在我拿到国籍之前,绿卡上早已清清楚楚地标明了我的“边缘身份”!)可不爱学习这一点,却是我的父母无论如何也不能接受的;所有华裔都将读书看作是出人头地的唯一途径。

  我想尽一切办法努力融入我所在的集体,我对受到的歧视所采取的激烈反应也让我自己吃尽了苦头——我感到迷茫,受到孤立,内心也满是羞愧与内疚。在我长大的过程中,我总是极力避免一切有关“数学”、“米饭”、“小眼睛”等的笑话——或者至少让对方知道我的不满。
  
  后来,等我渐渐长大,开始恋爱之后,又慢慢发现我的特殊身份竟成了我受欢迎的原因。追过我的人大多都坦承黄皮肤对他们有着特别的吸引力,更有人认为这是每个男人生命中的必经阶段。我曾与其中一个人的父母见过面,过后,他妈妈这样对他说:“我懂,你现在就想要试一些不一样的东西。”我讨厌这种被划标签的感觉,并从此只选择跟没有和亚洲女子谈过恋爱的男人交往,以为至少这样我能确认,他们喜欢的是我这个人,而不是我所代表的类型。但这并没有让我好受多少——他们会义正严辞地跟我说自己并没有什么亚洲情结;可最近,有个人甚至扒开了我的眼皮,好奇地问我“为什么眼睛没有睁开?”

  事实是,不管是“因为我是亚洲人你才喜欢我”,还是“尽管我是亚洲人你还是喜欢我”,我的种族身份总是会被拿出来作为首要因素被考虑。

  我走在大街上的时候,常常会碰到男人跑来问:“你是从中国过来找老公的吗?”更有甚者还会眯着眼睛,自作聪明地调侃“me love you long time.”
  
  我的身份也常常不可避免地影响到我的工作。我以前所呆过的公司,大多都喜欢任用亚洲人;而我也常常碰到应聘一份技术相关的工作时,自以为能力不足却总是被意外录取的情况。除此之外,也有因为我的身份而受到不利影响的情况——人们总是下意识地认为我应该很好说话。他们当着我的面开一些亚洲人的玩笑,我也常常被指派一些本不应该是我的工作。而一旦我因此生气,他们就会觉得我敏感不好相处,因而进一步排斥我。我也见过同是亚洲人的同事,混在堆里迎合着他们的玩笑,嘲笑自己的种族,只为让自己能够更加融入。

  我常常会想,为什么开亚洲人的玩笑没关系,可要是把句子中的“亚洲人”换成了其他任何一个种族,一切就突然变得不可饶恕了。虽然亚洲人总是被标榜为“模范少数族裔”,老跟高加索人捆绑着一起出现,可这个所谓的优势却单单只是口头上说说的。这仍是一个被忽视的群体;在荧幕上也甚少出现亚洲人的身影——尤其缺少那种打破人们刻板印象的形象;即使有,也只不过使这种观点更加根深蒂固。 我对自己身份认知的紊乱也直接导致了我在两种互相矛盾的审美观念中摇摆不定。 在中国,人们喜欢白皮肤、黑头发和一张芭比娃娃一样的脸;女孩子们会贴双眼皮贴,或者割双眼皮,再戴上美瞳,好让自己看起来有一双水灵灵的大眼睛。说白了,就是尽量掩藏亚洲人的体貌特征,让自己看起来更像西方人。


  而美国人所理解的亚洲美女则应该有着一身黄皮肤,紧致健美的身材,高耸的颧骨,和标志性的性感的单眼皮。在美国,我们常常能看到出现在荧幕上的亚洲人,往往都特意用化妆凸显出他们的杏仁眼和黄皮肤。
  
  这使我更加混乱,不知该跟哪边走。而更糟的是,我生来就有一头厚厚的卷发、重重的双眼皮,和一身带点微蓝调的肤色(我的家族中只有我一人如此)。还常常有人跟我说我看起来有点儿像欧洲人。所以,以自身条件来讲,我既不符合西方人的审美,也没办法成为中国人眼中的美女。这让我对自己的身份认知更加无法确定。

  我到底是谁?我是一个美籍华人,却没办法给自己贴上任何一个流行的标签。我既不是虎妈,也不是一个强势的女人,更不是一个逆来顺受的东方娃娃。我开车技术一流,数学却很差——高中时我的微积分只拿了1分,而大学时我的行为统计学差点就不及格。我尊重中国文化,但我也不愿因为我的身份而被标签化。 我为自己感到羞愧,不是因为我是亚洲人,而是因为我曾为了融入集体而否认自己的身份。我会说普通话,也听得懂,但我也的确因为不会读写而从内心深处感到隔阂与代沟。我希望能把自己的感受写出来,好鼓励那些跟我有相同经历的人也大声说出来。这种经历需要被勇敢地被摆出来,让大众看到,好让以后的那一代能够有足够的勇气和自信对待自己的身份与文化。 不要因为我的外貌、我的种族给我贴标签,或者告诉我应该怎么做—— 我只是我,我就是我。 关于作者:当她在中国出生的时候,她被唤作“小文”(音)。3岁时,她移居美国,在为熟悉英语而观看过电影《音乐之声》后,采用了Maria这个名字。她喜欢Maria的叛逆、乐于展现自我的精神。今天,Maria已经取得纽约大学的心理学学士学位——在那里,她同样主修了电影学和法语。在上海和法国求学后,她在时尚业工作了一段时间,后又回到纽约大学帝势艺术学院攻读电影学硕士学位。她的愿望有这么几个:读到PHD;出版自己的文字;在做表面上的“Maria”的同时,也做一个“小学者”。

原文链接:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maria-x-liu/on-being-a-chinese-american-woman_b_8298920.html

  (本文由Maria Liu授权日报翻译并发布)

http://learning.sohu.com/20151102/n424978035.shtml

  关于作者Maria Liu:

  当她在中国出生的时候,她被唤作“小文”(音)。3岁时,她移居美国,在为熟悉英语而观看过电影《音乐之声》后,采用了Maria这个名字。她喜欢Maria的叛逆、乐于展现自我的精神。今天,Maria已经取得纽约大学的心理学学士学位——在那里,她同样主修了电影学和法语。在上海和法国求学后,她在时尚业工作了一段时间,后又回到纽约大学帝势艺术学院攻读电影学硕士学位。她的愿望有这么几个:读到PHD;出版自己的文字;在做表面上的“Maria”的同时,也做一个“小学者”。
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“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”  -----  Henry David Thoreau
杉菜伊伊 离线
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6楼  发表于: 2015-11-06   
这个作者迷失在给自己寻找一个identity。其实她不需要任何标签,上帝眼里每个人都是独特的,就像妈妈眼中的女儿,你的标签就是我的女儿,不要其他人,团体,文化给你任何其他identity。

窦薿芄 离线
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5楼  发表于: 2015-11-05   
人家应该是幼儿园时代移民米国的。
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地下室  发表于: 2015-11-04   
文章第一句 "我并不是在美国长大的", 那我想她大概在18岁成人以后去的美国,可是文中她自己却说对中国了解不深,还说了小学,中学都和美国人同班,我越看越糊涂。

还好楼主贴了原文,第一句是"I wasn't born in America".
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地板  发表于: 2015-11-03   
不理解为什么这种人会被认为是the worst type of Chinese person。


是美国人这样看这类中国人?还是真正的ABC这样看?还是成年后去美国的中国人这样看?

反正在国内的我等,只是把他们看成是美国人或者美籍华人。跟best和worst没有什么关系。
杺栫杣杊椌柮栬,䒴蓉艿芖。
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板凳  发表于: 2015-11-03   
这个中文标题很差劲。既不准确,也没有抓到要点。原标题是:有关做一个美籍华裔女人。 ABC是指在美国出生的,但作者说的很明白,她不是。作者想分享她作为一个美籍华裔女人在美国社会中遭遇,““最差劲的中国人"与“小眼睛”之间”完全不能表达这一点。

现在网络上的文章都是标题党。这篇文章在反映在美华人的生存状态有一定的代表性,还是值得一读的。
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”  -----  Henry David Thoreau
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沙发  发表于: 2015-11-03   
On Being a Chinese-American Woman
Maria X. Liu
MA student, writer, thinker
Posted: 10/16/2015

I wasn't born in America.

According to the French, my smile spreads from ear to ear, and that marks me as American. According to the Chinese -- well, they don't vocalize it, but the eyes glued to me while I'm walking down the street in most parts of China tell me I'm not one of them.

In a class recently, I introduced myself to a Chinese boy. I'd noticed him in other classes but rarely saw him engage with anyone, so I thought I'd get to know him and make him feel more comfortable. Out of nowhere, he said: "You're the worst type of Chinese person."

Stunned, I didn't understand how the conversation had deviated from small talk about his experience in New York to such a personal slight.

"Did you just call me the worst type of Chinese person?"

"Yes."

"Why?" I still couldn't reconcile where this came from.

"Because you were born in China but raised in America."

Flabbergasted, I couldn't believe someone whom I'd recognized as sharing a common heritage had just otherized me.

"I identify as Chinese-American. My Chinese background, though I recognize I'm distanced from it and I'll never truly understand it the way you do, means a lot to me. I'm aware that I'm very Americanized, but my identity is still Chinese because that's how I am perceived on the exterior and that's how I perceive myself. Most of my family is still in China. I cannot change my circumstances, go back in time and choose to be raised in China. For you to call me the worst type of Chinese person makes you the worst type of person."

He replied: "But my friends would all say you're the worst type of Chinese person."

"That's very closed-minded of them," I said, before class started.

At the break, my classmates who had heard the exchange each approached me to tell me how they couldn't believe what they'd walked into. They asked why I handled it so nicely, and why I felt I needed to explain my identity. It was because I felt empathy for his outsider status in our classroom and I felt that there was no need to react defensively to what I recognized as his ignorance, because that would have shown that I cared. Truthfully, the comment hurt me and I struggled to understand its meaning by consulting Chinese friends and family. Maybe I was more American at this point than I was Chinese, but does this discredit and erase the period of my life before I lived in America, before I became a citizen?

This wasn't the first time I'd felt discriminated against. Although I went to elementary school with mostly Asian children, my middle and high school lacked significant diversity. I often felt I had to de-racialize myself to fit in, and at times found myself rejecting friendships with other Asian students because that would make me more Asian (and therefore more marginalized) by association. This all happened unconsciously; I was a child who lacked an objective understanding of the shame I felt for being different. I often found myself not studying in order to counteract stereotypes that because I was Asian, I was a nerd. I stopped going to Chinese school and put up a fight practicing piano every evening -- things I wish I had continued -- because I felt that they would further alienate me (I didn't need to be further alienated, I was already marked as an alien on my green card before my citizenship!). Unfortunately, my rejection of education was against my parents' values; like many Chinese immigrants, they relied on education as the main mode of upward mobility. My reaction towards discrimination and my desire to assimilate were costly and left me confused, isolated and filled with shame and guilt. I grew up learning how to deflect jokes about math, rice and tiny eyes -- or at least how to avoid seeming bothered by them.

As I grew older and began to date, I came to realize my status as a fetish. Men who were interested in me often admitted to having "yellow fever," or dismissed their interest in Asian women as a phase that every man goes through in his life. When I met one of my ex-boyfriends' parents, his mom told him, "I get it, you want something exotic right now." When I became disgusted by not being seen as anything more than my race, I began dating only men who hadn't previously dated many Asian women, because I felt that at the very least I could be assured that they were interested in me as a person and not a type. But these experiences left me just as disheartened, as men would staunchly deny that they had "an Asian thing" and one recently even peeled my eyelid back and asked me, "Why won't it open?" If I was liked for being Asian, or if I was liked despite being Asian, my race was always at the forefront of the decision. Even when I walk on the street, men will catcall me and say, "Are you from China looking for a husband?" or use the awful and cliché "me love you long time."

I've found that being Asian has also influenced my professional opportunities. My past jobs often hinged on positive biases towards Asians; I found myself in tech positions when I personally thought I was under-qualified. I also experienced the negative biases: I was assumed to be meek and agreeable. Asian jokes were constantly made to my face, and work that wasn't mine would constantly get delegated to me. I wasn't allowed to get worked up -- otherwise I would be seen as sensitive, and my already disqualified voice would be dismissed even more. I've watched Asian coworkers laugh at the discriminatory jokes and make fun of their own race in order to get along better with the team. I was left constantly wondering why it was that Asian jokes were OK, but if "Asian" were substituted with any other race, they wouldn't be. Even though it seems that the Asian race is often associated with the "model minority" label, and we are often grouped in with Caucasians, these theoretically positive associations rely on a veneer that ignores the raw and lived experience. There is still an invisibility; there is not much Asian representation in the media -- especially not representations that shatter stereotypes. Only those that reinforce them.

My own confusion about my identity also led to my straddling two different beauty ideals. In China, pale skin, dark hair and a face that looks as feminine and doll-like as possible are prized. Eyes are either taped or operated on to create a double lid, and giant "big eye" contacts are worn to enlarge the pupils. Essentially, the goal is to erase natural features in favor of a Caucasian and cartoonish ideal. In America, the Asian beauty ideal is more tan and masculine, focusing on sharp, elevated cheekbones while preserving certain "ethnic" features such as a mono-lid. Other times, features seen in airbrushed advertisements of Asians are completely Caucasian save for a few reductive details like almond-shaped eyes and yellow-toned skin.

All these ideals have made it hard for me to know which to adhere to. To make matters even more confusing, I was born with thick, wavy hair, double eyelids, and pale skin with more bluish undertones than yellow -- which no one else in my family has. I've been told that I look slightly European. Naturally, I don't fit into either American or Chinese ideals exactly, which further confounds my identity.

So who am I?

As a Chinese-American woman, there are very few stereotypical roles I can occupy. I'm not a tiger mom, a dragon lady, or a submissive china doll. I'm an excellent driver and I'm absolutely terrible at math -- in fact I got a 1 on my AP Calculus exam in high school, and nearly had to retake my Behavioral Stats class in undergrad. I'm not a traitor to my heritage, and I'm not OK with being dismissed, otherized, or sexualized because of my race. Today I am ashamed, not of being Asian, but more of the fact that I once abided by the pressure to reject my heritage in order to assimilate. I can still speak Mandarin and understand it, but I admittedly feel a schism intuitively, because I cannot write or read Chinese. I want to be vocal about my experience in order to encourage others to do the same. The experience is one that needs to be collectively shared so that future generations will one day feel empowered and thus embrace their culture. See me for me -- not what I appear to be, not what I represent, and not what I should be.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maria-x-liu/on-being-a-chinese-american-woman_b_8298920.html
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”  -----  Henry David Thoreau
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