Section 1                 Going Places 

第一部分：　行

(The way is long-let us go together. The way is difficult-let us help each other. The way is joyful-let us share it. The way is ours alone-let us go in love.) (Joyce Hunter)

Chapter One　第一节

"It's time to go now."  "No! I don't wanna go now!"     “现在我们要离开了”  “不，我现在不想走！’

1.  Giving direction, say, "It's going to be time to go in five minutes. let's start picking thing up now."        

Pleasantly reminding your child of the departure routine lets her finish her activites and prepare for the change that's about to take place.

1) 给出具体指示法，可以说，‘还有5分钟就要回家了，现在我们就开始准备吧。’

在孩子快要离开前，愉快得提醒她，让她有时间完成正在干的事，并对马上要发生的事有心里准备。

2. use empathy, Say, "I understand that you don't want to leave now., but sometimes we have to do things we don't like."

Putting yourself in your child's shoes validates her feelings and helps elicit her cooperation. It also lets you keep your goals in mind: staying on schedule and teaching her to cope with disappointment.

2) 支持同情法，可以说，‘我很理解你现在还不想离开，但是，有时候，我们必须做我们不喜欢做的事。”

把你放在你孩子的角度去体会她的想法能让她更好地合作。也能让你记住你的目标：按计划做事和教育孩子如何对待失望。

3. Play a gmae, Say, " I'm going to count to ten. Let's see if you can get your jacket on before I get there. Ready? One, two...."

Defuse a potentially explosive situation by playing a fun-loving game. This will shift your child's focus from resistance to competition and get her moving in the direction you want. If your child doesn't finish by the count of then, say, "I'm sorry you didn't make it in time. I'll help you put your coat on now,. When we get home, we'll practice playing the game. Then you'll be able to do what I ask by the time I finish counting."

3) 游戏法，可以说，“我要从一数到十了，看看你能不能在我数到十之前穿好外套。准备好了吗？开始，1, 2。。。”

采用玩个有趣的爱心游戏可以化解潜在的（孩子）乱发脾气的状况。还可以把孩子的注意力从抵抗到竞争，并使之沿着你想要的方向走。

如果当你数到十，你的孩子还没有做完，你可以说，“很抱歉，你这次没能赢。现在我来帮你穿好衣服。回家后，我们还可以再玩这个游戏，这样，下次，我数到十时，你就能完成我所要求的事了。”

4. Use a positive consequence. Say, "Getting ready to go when it's time means that we can come back soon."

This tells your child that her cooperations is the key to gtting to do what she wants in the future, an important first step in teaching her to delay gratification and tolerate temporary frustration.

4) 憧憬美好未来发，可以说， “到时间了我们就要离开，这样，以后我们还可以再来（玩）。”

这是告诉你的孩子，如果他以后还想来（玩），合作是很关键的。这也是教他延迟欲望和容忍暂时的不快。


Chapter two　　第二节

"Please get in the car."  "No! I don't wanna get in the car!"

“请上车”　“不，我不想坐车”

1. Giving choices, Say, " You can choose to get in the car and have fun, or you can get in the car and be miserable. You decide."

Helping him see the situation as his choice teachs him that he can decide how he wants to feel and helps him practice coping with things he doesn't like.

1) 给出选择，可以说， “你可以选择开开心心地坐上车，也可以选择可怜的很不情愿地坐上车，你自己决定”。

帮孩子意识到这种情况，他的选择可以让他决定他的心情并且帮他练习处理他不喜欢做的事情。

2. Make a deal, Say, "When you're in your car seat and buckled up, then we can play your favorite songs and sing along. That's a happy thing to do in the car."
２）协议法，说，“如果你做到你的座位上并绑上安全带，我们就可以放你喜欢听的歌还可以一起唱。这是我们可以在车上做的很开心的事哟。”

Using Grandma's Rule teaches your child that he can have control and follow directions at the same time. When he cooperates, he gets to do enjoyable thing.
用‘祖母规则’教会孩子，他可以同时控制和服从指令：当他合作时，他也可以做他想做的事情。

3. Ask Questions, Say, "I understand that you don't want to get in the car, but i don't know why, can you tell me?"

３）问问题，说，“我知道你不想坐车，但我不知道为什么，你能告诉我吗？”

Asking your child to tell you why he's refusing to cooperate gives him a chance to describe a problem you may not be aware of, such as not being able to see out the window or having an upset tummy. It also tells him that you care about his opinions and that you're glad he's willing to express them. When you discover the problem, you can address it instead of focusing on his disobedience.

问孩子他为什么拒绝合作，给孩子机会描述你可能没有意识到的问题, 例如，他不能看到窗外面，或者他肚子疼。（问问题）还告诉孩子你在乎他的想法而且你很高兴他愿意讲出来。当你发现问题时，你可以面对解决问题而不是关注孩子的‘不服从’。

4. Be positive, Say, "I know you don't want to get in the car, but i need to get to work and you need to go to daycare. When you’re in and buckled up, you can play with the special toys we keep in the car."

4) 乐观面对。说，“我知道你不想坐车。但是我要上班，你要去幼儿园。你做上车，绑好（安全带），你就可以玩我们放在车上的特别的玩具。”

Help your child understand that some requests are nonnegotiable, but the tasks can still be fun. Special toys and gooks in the car provide positive incentives for him to cooperate.
帮孩子理解有些要求是不可以协商的，但是这样事还是有趣的。在车上放些特别的玩具和书能给孩子一些‘合作’的刺激。

Chapter Three　第三节

"Please sit in your car seat."  "NO! I don't wanna sit in my car seat!"
“请坐上你的儿童汽车专用椅。”　“不，我不想坐儿童汽车专用椅。”

1. Ask questions, Say, "What don't you like about sitting in your car seat?"
１）　问问题，说，“为什么你不喜欢坐你的儿童汽车专用椅？”

Asking your child to tell you her reasons for refusing to sit in her car seat validates her feelings and teaches her to be empathetic. You may discover that she likes to see out the window but the car seat sits too low for her to do so, or that her car-seat buckle pinches her when you turn corners. You can correct these problems so she rides more comfortably.

询问孩子他拒绝坐他的儿童汽车专用椅的原因，肯定了孩子的感受还告诉孩子他是被理解的。你可能会发现原来孩子想看窗外，而儿童椅太矮，或者，儿童汽车椅的安全带夹得孩子疼。你可以改进这些问题，让孩子坐得更舒服。

2. Remind her about the rule. Say, "Sitting in your car seat is the rule. The car can move only when you follow the car-seat rule."
２）提醒孩子规则，说，“坐车要坐儿童汽车专用椅是个规定。只有当你服从汽车专用椅规则才能开车。”

Putting the rule in charge places you and your child on the same team, thereby reducing the chance that your child will fight with you and reinforcing the important lesson that rules govern our lives.

让规则来控制（孩子的行为）把你和孩子放在同一战线上，这样，会减少孩子和你争吵的机会。还会让孩子加强了解规则控制我们生活的重要性。

3. Use praise, Say, "Thank you for getting in your car seat so nicely. I appreciate your cooperation."

３）表扬法，说，“谢谢你愉快得坐上你的儿童汽车专用椅。我很感谢你的合作。”

Praising your child's behavior teaches her that cooperation results in positive attention, something that motivates us all.
表扬孩子的行为是用积极的注意告诉孩子合作的结果，（表扬）是对我们所有人都有刺激作用的。

4. Make a deal. Say, "When you sit in your car seat, we'll play the music you like."

４）协商法，说，“如果你坐上你的儿童汽车专用椅，我们可以放你喜欢的音乐。”

The example of Grandma's Rule shows her that cooperation will generate positive consequences for everyone involved.
这也是“祖母规则”的一个例子，告诉孩子，合作会对参与的每个人都产生好的结果。




Chapter Four 　　第四节

"Please get out of the car now."  "NO! I don't wanna get out of the car!"
“现在，请下车。”　　“不，我不想下车。”

1. Giving choices, Say, "Do you want to get of the car by yourself or do you want me to help you out? you decide."

１）　给出选择，说，“你是想自己下车，还是让我帮忙下来。你自己决定。”

Giving your child choices lets him pratice making decisions and gives him a sense of power and control, two important motivators.
给孩子几个选择，可以让他锻炼做决定的能力，让他有权力感和支配感。这是二个很重要的动力。

2. Make a deal, say, "When you ge out of the car, we can get our shopping done and get baack home so you can play."
２）协定法，说，“你下车后，我们就可以快的买完东西，然后回家，你就可以玩了。”

Showing your child the long-term benefits of his decision can motivate him to endure the short-term frustration. In addition, this strtegy teaches your child to respect the win-win methodl of decision making.
告诉孩子他的决定的长远一点的好处，可以激励他忍受眼前的‘不满’。还有，这个策略教会孩子遵从‘双赢’的结果做出决定。

3. Use incentive, Say. "you're such a good helper when we're in the store. Let's get out of the car so you can help me shop. "
３）　激将法，说，“我们买东西时候，你总是个非常好的帮手。我们快下车，你就可以帮我们买东西了。”

Giving your child immediate incentives to do what you've asked can motivate him to cooperate. Telling him that your values his help increases his desire to follow your lead.

给孩子一个他立刻能做的刺激力能让还合作，告诉他你很在乎他的帮助，能加强他听从你指令的想法。

4. Invite feedback, SAy "Help me understand why you don't wan tto get out of the car. if htere's a problem, i'd like to help fix it.'

４）　引出反馈，说，“你能让我明白你为什么不想下车吗？如果有什么问题，我很愿意帮忙解决哟。”

Asking your child for feedback tells him that the situation isn't a crisis and that you care about his feelings-two good reson for him to trust you. He may frea strangers or riding in the grocery cart. or he may owrry about walking on the prking lot's hot asphalt.

询问孩子的看法，让孩子明白他没有处于危机处境，你很在乎他的感受。这是让孩子信任你的二个很好的原因。他可能害怕陌生人，或者害怕推商店的购物车，或者他害怕走在停车场晒烫的沥青上。

Chapter Five　第五节

"Let's get in the elevator (or on the escalator)."    "NO! I don't wann get in the elevator!"
“让我们乘坐电梯。”　　　　　　　　　　　　“不，我不想乘坐电梯。”

1. Offer solutions, Say, "I understantd that you don't wan tto ride the elevator. We can take the stairs and maybe try the elevator next time."

１）　给出解决方案，说，“我理解你不想乘电梯。我们可以走楼梯，也许，我们下车可以乘电梯。”

Showing empathy for your child's feelings will help her feel safe in your presence, which will help bolster her confidence for future excursions, Suggestion possible solutions gives her proactive ways of handling the fear.

同情理解孩子的想法，让孩子觉得有你的存在更安全，这可以帮助提高孩子将来行程的自信心。给出可能的解决方案，让孩子更容易处理好恐惧。

2. Be positive, Say, "I know the elevaor was scary before, but you're much braver and stronger now. I think you can handle it, if you want."

２）乐观前景法，说，“我知道以前你觉得电梯很可怕，但是，你现在更勇敢和强大了，我认为如果你想的活，你可以自己处理好的。”
Validating your child's strength will help her feel your support and will encourage her to overcome her fears.
肯定孩子的实力，让孩子感到你的支持，并鼓励孩子去战胜恐惧。

3. Make it fun, SAy, "I'll hold you in my arms while we're in the elevator, so you'll feel safe. I like the feeling in my tummy when the elevator goes up and down. It's kind of exacting."

３）让过程变得有趣，说，“在我们乘坐电梯时候，你可以抓住我的手，这样，你会觉得很安全。我很喜欢乘坐电梯时候，电梯上上下下的那种感觉，很让人兴奋的。”

Helping your child lable her fear as exactment lets her accept and even enjoy the feelings she feared before, as she reframes her experinence.

帮孩子把恐惧变成兴奋。让孩子在重新体验的时候。接受并享受这种他以前害怕的感觉。

4. Show her other option, Say, "Using the staires will be good exercise for us until you feel okay about using the escalator. maybe next time we can try the escalator and see how fast we can get to the top."

４）给出孩子别的选择，说，“我们也可以走楼梯，这也是很好的锻炼。我们可以下次，在你觉得乘坐电梯没问题的时候再坐电梯。也许，下次，我们可以看看试试看看乘坐电梯有多快。”

Showing the child other options prevents her from feeling trapped. Doing so also teacher her to weigh the costs and benefits of each option, which is good practice in decision making.

给出孩子别的选择，让孩子不会觉得被困的恐惧。这样，也教会孩子去比较不同的选择的好处和价值，这对孩子做出决策是很好的锻炼。


Chapter Six    "It's time to get on the airplane."        "No! I don't wanna get on the airplane!"

第六节，　“该上飞机了。”　　　　　“不，我不想乘坐飞机。”

Helpful hints:   * Before booking your flight, think about your child’s ability to tolerate schedule changes, deal with the hustle and bustle of the airport, sit for several hours buckled in a seat, and handle his fear of flying.

友情提示：　×在预定飞机票之前，要考虑孩子以下几种感受：忍受时间变化的能力，承受飞机起飞的噪音，在飞机上做几个小时和对飞机起飞的恐惧。

Consider other travel options, if necessary, talking into account the time it will take to reach your destination and the costs and benefit of each mode of transportation. Also consider your child’s need for frequent potty stops and other special concerns.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes by thinking about what it might be like to be a little person who’s had no experience with big events, such as flying in an airplane.
Watch what you say. Even casual comments about being afraid to fly can be contagious. Calm yourself by keeping in mind that the chance of dying in a plane crash is one in nine million.

如果可能，可以考虑别的旅行方式，要考虑到到你目的地的所花的时间和各种交通说花的费用，还要考虑大小便和其它特别的需要。

把你放在孩子的角度上想想一个小人要经历没有经历过大事情时候，比如，乘坐飞机，的可能想法。
注意你要说的话。即使关于飞行恐惧的随意的议论都是有传染性的。自己要保持冷静，记住，飞行出事的可能性是九百万分之一。

1)      Don’t use putdowns. Don’t say, “What’s wrong with you? I thought you’d love to fly in an airplane. You’re such a difficult child.”

１）不要说，“你怎么了，我以为你很喜欢做飞机的，你真是个难缠的孩子。”

These words tell your child that there must be something wrong with him because he expressed his feelings. This will lead him to view himself and his world pessimistically. In addition, you’ll discourage him from telling you when he feels upset.

这些话会让孩子觉得，他有什么问题因为他表达了他的感受。这会让他觉得他的世界灰暗。另外，你还打击了孩子在他觉得难受时候告诉你的积极性。

Instead, role-play. Say, “Let’s pretend we’re going on a plane trip. You be the passenger, and I’ll be the flight attendant, the person who bring snacks and drinks and helps us stay safe while we’re flying.”

相反，角色游戏。说，“让我们

By role-playing what happens on a plane, you can teach your child what to expect and thereby ease his fear of flying.



2)      Don’t issue an ultimatum. Don’t say, “Listen to me, mister! We’re going on the plane and there are no two ways about it!”

Drawing a line in the sand polarizes the situation and forces your child to dig in more deeply to protect his position

Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Tell me how your tummy feels when you think about getting on that big airplane.”

If he describes “butterflies” or another feeling he gets when he’s scared, then anxiety is driving his resistance. Help him understand and label his feelings, which is the first step toward helping him recognize and overcome his fears.



3)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “Wait until your grandmother hears that you didn’t want to visit her. She’ll be really mad at you, and you’ll be sorry.”

Threatening your child with the loss of his grandparent’s approval won’t teach him to cope with his fears; it will only increase his sense of shame and reduce his ability to empathize with his grandparent.

Instead, be positive. Say, “Flying on a plane to visit Grandma in her new house will be a great adventure! We’ll have fun playing on the beach and discovering what’s in Grandma’s secret drawers.”

Talking about all the fun you’ll have may help your child manage his fears, and he may begin to see flying as simply a means to end.



4)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “That’s okay, honey. Mom’s a worrier, too.”

This tells your child that he won’t be able to stop worrying because it’s a part of him, just as it’s a part of you.

Instead, use empathy. Say, “I understand that it’s scary to go on an airplane. Sometimes I feel a little scared, too. But I just tell myself that I’m brave and strong and can do it.”

Telling your child about your fears and the self-talk you sue to overcome them teaches him an important skill and makes it easier fro him to tell you how he feels. In addition, it helps him understand that his feelings are normal and manageable.



5)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you go on the airplane with us, we’ll buy you that new bike you’ve been wanting.”

Bribing children to get then to do what you want only leads them to expect a tangible reward for cooperation. Your goal is to encourage your child’s internal motivation to cooperate, not to provide external rewards for doing what you ask.

Instead, validate his importance. Say, “You’re a terrific helper with the baby. Can you help me keep track of the diaper bag to make sure it gets on the plane with us?” Making your child helper gives him something positive to think about and increases his sense of control. It also gives him a way to be a team player. He’ll want to cooperate because he’s needed.



7. “Let’s hold hands in the store.”         “No. I don’t wanna hold hands.”

Helpful hints: * Avoid shopping during (or shortly before) mealtime.

Keep young children in a stroller so you can focus on teaching older children to stay close.


1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “You get back here and hold my hand or you’ll get a spanking.”

Threatening physical punishment only increases your child’s desire to stay away from you. She may ultimately comply with your demand out of ear and to avoid getting hut, but she wont’ do so because it’s the safe thing to do.

Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “Remember, the rule is that we’re supposed to hold hands from the time we leave the car to the time we get back. We have to follow the rule in order to stay safe.”

Reminding your child of the rule make the rule the “bad guy” rather than you. It also focuses your child’s attention on the tasks to be learned; staying safe and following directions.



2)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you hold my hand while we’re shopping, I’ll buy you a new toy.”

Don’t give gifts for doing what you ask. You want your child to hold your hand so she’ll be safe, not so she’ll get a gift. Bribery distracts your child’s attention from the goals: leaning to be safe and learning to cooperation.

Instead, practice. Before you leave home, say, “We’re going shopping this afternoon, so let’s practice how you’re going to hold my hand. Then we can keep each other safe.”

Practicing the rule transforms it into a conditioned set of behaviors; your child learns to automatically do what you expect.



3)      Don’t punish. Don’t say, “If you don’t hold my hand, I won’t let you watch TV when we get home.”

Threatening to take away privileges won’t teach your child to cooperate; it will, however, teach her to make threats to get someone to do what she wants.

Instead, use empathy. Say, “I know it’s hard to hang on to my hand when you see so many things you like, but staying close is the rule. It’s important and it keeps us safe.”

Model empathy for your child by telling her that you understand her desire to explore her world, but remind her that she still needs to follow the rule.



4)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? Don’t you know it’s dangerous to run away from me? That was a stupid thing to do!”

Labels and putdowns tell your child that there’s something wrong with her because she wants to follow her natural curiosity. This isn’t the way to encourage cooperation.

Instead, find other options. Say, “It seems that holding my hand isn’t comfortable for you. How about hanging on to my skirt (or belt, or purse, or pant leg)? That way I’ll know where you are and neither of us will get lost.”

Finding alternative handholds for your child can also free your hands for other tasks. It’s a win-win solution.



5)      Don’t boss. Don’t say, “Don’t wander off, and don’t touch anything.”

These admonitions only tell your child what she’s not supposed to do: they don’t remind her of what she’s supposed to do or why she’s supposed to do it. They’re also impractical for a young child who’s eager to explore.

Instead, use praise. Say,
Thank you for holding my hand. I feel so good knowing that we’re together and safe.”

Praising cooperative behavior enco0urages your child to keep up the good work and tells her that following the rule gets positive attention from you.



8. “It’s time to go to daycare.”          “No. I don’t wanna go to daycare.”

Helpful hints: * Before your child begins regular daycare, give him some practice being away from you, and teach him that you’ll always return. Take him to your daycare provider or leave him with a qualified babysitter for an hour or two a few times a week to get him used to the idea.

Avoid complaining about your job and how much you hate putting your child in daycare. Your negativity is contagious.
Keep goodbyes short and sweet to help your child make the transition to his new environment quickly and smoothly.
1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Stop screaming and hold still while I get you dressed, o ri’ll give you something to scream about!”

Threatening your child only encourages him to resist further in order to test whether you’ll follow through with your threat. It also teaches him that bigger, stronger people can use violence to get their way.

Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “Thanks for letting me put your socks on. That was really helpful. We’ll be ready for daycare in no time.”

It may be difficult to praise your child when he’s challenging you at every turn, but do your best to encourage any sign of cooperation. For example, say, “You’re eating your breakfast so nicely! That mean you’re going to have lots of energy today!” or, “Thanks for telling me about the things you like at daycare. When you talk about things you like, I know you feel good!”



2)      Don’t name-call. Don’t say, “You’re such a brat! Now shut up and get in your car seat!”

Intimidating your child by calling him names is counterproductive. Name-calling may also become a self-fulfilling prophecy as your child learns to live up to his label. Instead, offer support. Say, “I’ll talk to Miss Sara at daycare to make sure everything’s okay.”

It’s always wise to find out as much as possible about what’s going on at daycare when your child is reluctant to go. Ask your daycare provider how your child behaves after you leave, who he plays with, what new things might be going on, and what suggestions she might have to ease your child’s discomfort.



3)      don’t label. Don’t say, “Sweetheart, I know you’re really shy and don’t like to be around other kids, but mommy needs to go to work.”

Labeling your child as shy may make the label a permanent part of his identity. It tells him that he can’t play with to her children because that’s not who he is.

Instead, provide emotional support. Say, “Would you like to take your teddy bear to daycare today? He always makes your feel good when you hold him close.”

Sometimes, children like to take a “lovie” with them when they’re feeling reluctant to go somewhere. A lovie can soothe a child when parents aren’t around to do so.



4)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you’ll stop screaming and get in the car, I’ll buy you a jelly donut on the way to daycare. You know how you like jelly donuts.”

Bribing children only teaches them to expect a reward every time they make a fuss. In addition, using food as a reward will cause your child to associate food with love and nurturing, which may lead to eating disorders.

Instead, use Grandma’s Rule. Say, “When you go to daycare without a fuss, then we’ll go to the park when I pick you up this afternoon.”

Granma’s Rule teaches your child that he can have fun doing what he wants after he’s cooperated with y our request.



     5) Don’t use guilt and blame. Don’t say, “You know I have to work to buy you clothes and toys! Don’t make me later again!”

Using guilt and blame won’t motivate your child to cooperate with you tort each him how to cope with separation instead, it will tell him that he’s responsible for your choices, such as going to work.

Instead, shift the focus. Say, I’ll go to my job, you’ll go to yours, and we’ll both be home for dinner tonight!:

Framing your child’s separation as temporary and focusing his attention on being with you later can help him cope with going to daycare.



6) Don’t give in. don’t say, “Well, if you don’t want to go to daycare, then I’ll stay home with you.”

You may be tempted to give up your obligations in order to stay home with your child, but giving in only teaches him that his resistance will get him what he wants.

Instead, teach him to delay gratification. Say, “Today is a workday for me and a daycare for you. Let’s count the days till we both have a stay-at-home day!”

Helping your child focus on a desirable future event will teach him the important skill of delaying gratification. Embracing this teachable moment to help your child practice separating from you is the productive and healthy response.



9. “Let’s go to your lesson.”       “No. I don’t wanna go to my lesson.”

Helpful hints: * Interview the teachers before enrolling your child in an activity. Find out if their educational and disciplinary philosophies are a good match for you and your child. The most effective teachers are ones who empathize with children, communicate well with them, and teat them with respect.

Make sure your child understands the rules about listening to instructions, following directions, practicing, and sticking to the routine.
Make sure your child has the ability to do (or lean) all the things that will be required of her during the activity.


1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “I’m sick and tired of your attitude. You’ll do what I say or get a spanking!”

Telling your child that you’ll hurt her if she resists teaches her two undesirable lessons: using violence is an acceptable way to solve problems, and it’s okay to hurt someone when yo0u’re angry.

Instead, ask questions. Say, “What don’t you like about your lessons? Is there anything I can do to help make them more fun?”

When you calmly ask such questions, you gain a greater understanding of your child’s concerns and tell her that you care about her thoughts sand feelings.



2)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? You begged me to let outtake these lessons!”

Asking what’s wrong with her implies that here is something wrong with her because she changed her mind.

Instead, reframe the situation. Say, “Let’s think about all the fun you’ll have when you go to your lesson.”

Changing your child’s perspective can help her overcome her reluctance to participate. Motivate her by helping her see how rewarding and fun the experience an be.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you get dressed right now and get in the car before I count to ten, I’ll buy you a teat on the way home.”

Promising your child an external reward for doing what you’ve asked teaches her to do something only to get a reward. Your objective is to teach her that it feels good to do something for its own sake.

Instead, show her how to appreciate her progress. Say, “Let’s make a star chart that we can put on the refrigerator to show how many lessons you’ve completed.”

Encouraging your child to track her progress is an excellent way to promote self-motivation and cooperation.



4) Don’t shame and blame. Don’t say, “I’m so disappointed in you. You never finish what you start.”

Shaming your child teaches her that your love is conditional –that you love her only when she does what you ask.

Instead, offer choices. Say, “Let’s try five more lessons. After that you can see whether you still like them or not.”

Decide on a goal with a definite endpoint in mind so your child won’t feel trapped and helpless. This approach also gives her a sense of control over the decision making.



10. “Let’s go to practice.”  “NO. I don’t wanna go to practice.”

Helpful hints: * Before enrolling your child in a sport, decide whether he has both the interest and the physical ability for it. Practice at home to evaluate these importance prerequisites.

Think about whether your child can understand instructions, pay attention, and sustain the physical effort required by a sport.
Make sure the adults in the program share your educational and disciplinary philosophies, and that they communicate kindly and effectively with children.
Think about your rules for your child’s involvement in a sport, including how long he may stay involved, what options he has for with drawing, and how much support he can expect from you.


1)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, “I’m disappointed with you. You’re going to grow up to be a lazy bum.”

Shaming your child will only make him think badly of himself. If it does motivate him, it will only be to please you rather than to follow his dream of playing the sport he loves.

Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Tell me what you don’t like about going to practice.”

If you learn that he dislikes how he’s treated, you can take appropriate steps to remedy the situation. If it’s because he doesn’t like the tedium and repetition. Teach him ways to overcome his boredom. Help him stay in love with the sport even when he dislikes the rigors of practice.



2)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t get ready for soccer practice right now, mister,  you won’t be watching any TV for the rest of the week.”

These kinds of threats won’t motivate your child to love soccer or to cooperate with you in the future. They will only lead to more battles when he want s to watch TV.

Instead, use empathy. Say, “I know you don’t want to go t practice, but sometimes, we have to do hard stuff so we can enjoy other things later.”

Help your child understands that practice may not make him perfect, but it will help him feel more comfortable with the bat, ball, or other sports equipment. Work with the coach to motivate your child to learn that following through is important in reaching his goals.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you go to T-ball practice today, I’ll buy you that new action figure you want.”

Bribing your child to do what you want only teaches him to expect some external reward every time you make a request. Instead, encourage him to do something for the personal satisfaction and happiness it brings, this will teach him the value of cooperation much more effectively.

Instead, make a deal, say, “When you go to T-ball practice and work hard, then we can work on your tree house together like you’ve been wanting. “

Using Grandma’s Rule tells your child that he has to do what’s necessary before doing what he wants. In addition, it teaches him to understand that his agenda and your s are both important.



4)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “Well, I guess you’re just a klutz like your cousin, Philip. He can’t walk with out falling down.”

Labeling your child as inept will only make him feel worse about himself and his abilities.

Instead, be helpful. Say, “Let’s make a practice chart.”

Making a chart that shows how your child’s skills are improving can help motivate him to continue practicing. For example, record the number of times he kicked the ball into the goal at soccer practice or hit the ball at T-ball practice.



11.  “It’s time to go to daday’s house.”      “No. I don’t wanna go to Daddy’s house.”

Helpful hints: * Post a schedule to show your child when she’s supposed to got to her other parent’s home, or give her periodic verbal reminders.

Work hard to communicate a positive attitude about y our child’s other parent.
Promote your child’s healthy development by making sure your and your child’s other paretn agree upon discipline methods that are respectful and that reinforce your m mutual love for your child.


1) Don’t be little. Don’t say, “I don’t care what you want. You’re going to your father’s house. So shut up and get in the car.”

Your lack of empathy will only increase your child’s desire to be with you in order to regain you love that she fears she might be losing.

Instead, use empathy. Say, “I understand that you want to stay here. But the rules tell us that tonight you go to your father’s house. You can call me before you go to sleep.”

Using the rule to govern the situation helps avoid conflict between you and your child. Suggesting that she call you helps her know that you love and support are always nearby.



2) Don’t disparage your child’s other parent. Don’t say, “Your father is always trying to avoid spending time with you.”

Suggesting that the other parent doesn’t want to be with your child will damage her ability to feel comfortable moving between homes. Your words are powerful tools for promoting love or hate, so choose them carefully.

Instead, reinforce a loving environment. Say, “Yes, you can stay here on Wednesday. But today is Monday, your day to go to your daddy’s. He is looking forward to spending time with you.”

Remind your child of the good things that happen in her other parents’ care. This creates a win-win situation in which everyone’s needs are met. It also keeps conflict at bay.



4)      Don’t give in. don’t say, “Okay, go ahead and stay here. I don’t care what you do.”

Although it may seem as if you’re doing your child a favor by letting her stay, telling her that you don’t care what she does suggest that you don’t care about her. It also says that you’ll give in when she puts up a little resistance.

Instead, ask for feedback. Say, “I know you want to stay here today, but you’ll have lots of fun at your daddy’s house. What kinds of things do you do there?”

Asking your child for feedback may give you insight into why the other home isn’t desirable and what you might do to improve the situation. It also tell s your child that your support her going there.



12. “It’s time to go to swimming lesson. “          “No. I don’t wanna go to swimming.”

Helpful hints. * When children are exposed to water play as infants, they’re more likely to love learning to swim.

Playing games in the bathtub so your child learns to be comfortable in the water. Make sure the swimming instructor, pool location, and water temperature are well suited to your child’s learning style.
Avid complaining about looking fat or skinny in a bathing suit. To avoid sending your child the message that being one or the other is undesirable.


1)      Don’t bully. Don’t say, “You’re going to take swimming lessons whether you like tit or not. “

Your lack of empathy and militant enforcement of lessons tells your child that you don’t care enough about his feelings to motivate him through supportive teaching. Ask yourself how you’d feel if you didn’t want to take swimming lessons but were forced to do so.

Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Tell me what you do’t like about swimming.”

Seeking your child’s feedback will help you understand his reservations. Chances are he doesn’t like to get his face wet or doesn’t want to go underwater. Show him you’re on his team by empathizing with his fears.



2)      Don’t give in. don’t say, “That’s okay, honey. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.:”

Don’t give your child veto power over something that’s important for his safety. Doing so will prevent him from gaining the skills he needs to persevere when something doesn’t come easily.

Instead, use empathy. Say, “I know you don’t want to take lesson, but learning how to swim is important. And I know it’s hard to do things you don’t want to do , so I’ll be fright here by the side of the pool.”

Reaffirming the importance of swimming and reassuring your child that you’ll be nearby will help reduce this anxiety. In addition, you’ll be reminding him that he ahs a cheer leader when he needs a boost.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you take lesson, then I’ll let you have a puppy.”

Teaching your child the fine art of cooperation shouldn’t include giving him a gift for doing what you ask. He’ll think that doing something he doesn’t want to do should always earn a rewa4d.

Instead, make a deal, say, “When you cooperate with your swimming instructor, then you can come home an delay with your friends.”

Grandma’s Rule tells your child that he can do what he wants to do when he has done what he has to do. This promise of meeting his agenda after he meets yours teaches him to be flexible and to delay gratification.



3) Don’t shame. Don’t say, “You’re not going to embarrass me again by screaming and crying at the pool, are you don’t be such a baby!”

Calling your child names tells him that your love is conditional. You’re teaching him to put others down when they don’t’ live up to his expectations—a lesson you don’t want him to learn.



Instead, be supportive. Say, “I know you don’t want to take swimming lesson, but you’re brave and strong and an do it.”

Acknowledge your child’s reluctance as well as his bravery. Assure him that you understand his fears while reminding him that he has the strength to overcome them this will improve his self=confidence and allow him to face other difficulties in the future.

Section II: Getting Dressed

第二部分：　着装篇

13. “Please put on clean clothes.”      “No. I wanna wear my dirty clothes.”

“请穿上干净的衣服。"            "不，我还想穿这件脏衣服。”

Helpful hints; * Establish a rule about wearing clean clothes, and make sure your child understands the definition of dirty. For example, “We were clothes that don’t smell bad and don’t have stains.”

Talk about the importance of cleanliness so your child understands why you need to wash clothes regularly.
Let your child help with the laundry so she can see how clothes go through the washer and dryer and come out clean.
友情提示：　×建立穿干净衣服的规则，让你的孩子明白‘脏’的定义。例如，“我们要穿那些没有臭味和污点的衣服。”

　　　　　　×和孩子谈干净的重要性，让孩子明白为什么你需要定时地洗衣服。

　　　　　　×在你洗衣服时候让孩子帮你，让孩子看见衣服是怎样放到洗衣机和烘干机洗干净的。

1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Go ahead and wear that dirty thing. People won’t like you if you’re dirty.”

Threatening your preschooler with social isolation will have little impact on her. She simply wants to do her own thing. Besides, you want your child to wear clean clothes in order to develop good habits, not because she fears rejection.

１）不要威胁，不要说，“去吧，就穿着那脏衣服吧。象你这么脏，大家都不会喜欢你的。”

用社交来威胁你的学前班的孩子，对他们几乎没有什么影响。他们这是简单地想做自己的事情。另外，你让孩子穿干净的衣服是为了养成好的习惯而不是让他们害怕拒绝。

Instead, offer other options, say, “I’m sorry. That dress has to go in the laundry. Tomorrow it will be clean and you can wear it again. Until then, let’s pick out something else.”

Being firm while providing other options can help your child learn to delay gratification and be flexible. Letting her choose a different outfit appeals to her desire to exert control over what she wears.

相反，给出别的选择，说，“很抱歉，这件衣服要放到洗衣机里了。明天，它就会洗干净，你又可以穿了。在这之前，让我们挑件别的衣服穿。”

在你给出别的选择时候要坚决，这帮助孩子学会延迟欲望和处事灵活。让他们选择不同的衣服，把他们的吸引到去想去控制明天要穿的衣服。

2)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? All you want to wear is that dirty old dress.”

Berating your child teaches her that she may lose your love and support because she wants to wear the same dress. Don’t make her choose between your love and her dress.

２）不要轻视，不要说，“你怎么回事？你怎么就是想要那件脏的旧的衣服呢。”

责备孩子告诉她，她可能会因为要穿同样的衣服而失去你的爱和支持。不要让她在你的爱和衣服中做出选择。
Instead, make a deal, say, “I understand that you want to wear that dress again today, but you can’t because it’s dirty. Let’s choose something else to wear. When you have a different out fit on, then we can watch your favorite program until it’s time to go to school.”

相反，　说，“我理解你今天还想穿那件衣服，但是你不能穿，因为它太脏了。让我们选件别的衣服穿。你穿好别的衣服后，我们可以看你喜欢的电视节目直到上学的时候。

3)      Don’t beg, don’t say, “Please put on the clean dress. Do it for mommy.”

As tempting as it may be, begging won’t teach your child to choose appropriately on her own. Instead, it will teach her to worry about whether you still love her if she doesn’t cooperate.

３）不要乞求，不要说，“请穿好这件干净的衣服吧，就算是为了妈妈。”

乞求不会教会孩子去按她自己合适地做出选择，相反，乞求会让孩子担心如果她不合作，你是否还会爱她。


Instead, use empathy. Day, “I know you love your favorite dress. I love mine, too. Let’s wash them together, and we can both wear them when they’re clean.”

By empathizing with your child’s desire to wear the same clothes, you’re letting her know that you’re on the same team. Working together will bring you both the results you want. 、

相反，表示理解，说，“我知道你很喜欢这件衣服。我也很喜欢我的这件。让我们把他们一起洗干净，这样，当衣服干净时我们可以穿它们。”

理解孩子想穿同样衣服的想法。让孩子知道你也是这样。一起处理会让你们同时达到自己想要的结果。


14. “Please get dressed now.”     “No. I don’t wanna get dressed!”

Helpful hints: * Before asking your child to get dressed, talk about the type of clothing he’ll need to wear that day. This will get him thinking about the routine and will help him choose appropriately.

Make sure your child can perform the tasks required to dress him self. Encourage him to ask for help with tasks he can’t manage alone.
Leave enough time to perform dressing and other routines so your child can learn to cooperate with out unnecessary pressure.
Make a rule about when your child needs to be dressed in the morning.
1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you aren’t dressed by the time I come back, you’ll get a spanking.”

Threatening physical pain only shows children that parents are bigger and stronger and ware wiling to hut them to get their way. Threatening may motivate your child to cooperate in the short term, but you’ll get better long-term results if you teach positive behavior rather than punishing your child for disagreeing with you.

Instead, play a game. Say, “Sweetheart, it’s time to get dressed. Let’s see if you can get your pants on before the timer rings.”

This kind of contest excites your child and brings out his competitive nature. It motivates him to play the game and beat the timer, forgetting that he game is about getting dressed.



2)      Don’t use anger. Don’t say, “You’re making me mad, so you’d better get dressed before I really go crazy.”

Using anger to motivate your child gives him power over your feelings, diminishes his ability to empathize, and fails to teach him how to get the job done.

Instead, provide choices. Say, “We need to get dressed now. You can dress yourself, or I can help dress you. You choose.”

This form of “Let’s make a deal” tells your child that getting dressed is nonnegotiable, but it offers him choices on how he can complete the task in this way, both of your agendas are met.



3)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “What’s wrong with you? I ‘m not raising you to be lazy! Now get in there and get dressed!”

Implying that your child has a character flaw may make him think he can’t achieve goals, is unworthy of his parents’ love, and is helpless to change his behavior.

Instead, be helpful. Say, “I’ll help you with you shoes and socks when you’ve put your pants and shirt on.”

Offering to do part of the task can motivate your child to do the rest. Working as partners teaches him that teamwork can get he job done.



4)      Don’t bribe don’t say, “If you get yourself dressed, I‘ll buy you a treat on the way to school.”

Bribing encourages your child to hold out of a reward before he cooperates. Giving him the ‘if “option tempts him to think, “what if I didn’t?” he may refuse to cooperate just to see what you’ll do.

Instead, make a deal, say, “When you have your clothes on, then we can have breakfast together.”

If’s your job to teach your child that ding what’s necessary comes before doing what he wants. Using Grandma’s Rule will give him a health incentive to cooperate.



5)      Don’t nag. Don’t say, “I’ve asked you five times to get dressed! How many more times will it take?

Nagging your child will teach him that he doesn’t have to listen because you don’t follow through with consequences.

Instead, remind him about the rule. Say, “The rule is that we get dressed before we play.”

This makes the rule the enforcer and frees you to act as your child’s helper.



15. “Please put on your shoes.” “No! I don’t wanna ware shoes.
Helpful hints: * Establish rules about when and where shoes must be worn for safety and social reason.

* Model appropriate behavior by talking about what footwear you’re wearing and why. For example, “I’m wearing my boots today because it’s cold and wet outside.”

* Let the thermometer and weather forecast dictate when footwear should be worn.

* Make sure your child has the dexterity to put her shoes on before demanding that she do so.



1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “You will get those shoes on NOW if you know what’s good for you!”

Vague threats are not only poor motivators, they teach your child that it’s okay to use fear to control others.

Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “What’s the rule about wearing shoes? What does the thermometer say?”

Reminding your child of the rule will help her learn to monitor the weather conditions before deciding what to wear. The rule becomes her guide and nemesis—not you.



2)      Don’t use anger. Don’t say, “I’m starting to get mad, so you better get those shoes on before I get really mad!”

Don’t use anger to motivate your child doing so makes her fearful and diminishes her ability to empathize. It also squanders the opportunity to teach her that teamwork and cooperation are good for both of you.

Instead, practice. Say, ‘let’s practice putting on your shoes. I’ll help you get them on and you can do the straps.”

Practicing a new skill is important for mastery. Work on it together one step at a time, and praise her progress generously.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you put your shoes on, I’ll give your some candy.”

Bribing your child tells her that she can hold out for a reward before cooperating. Don’t set up a system in which doing what you ask requires a reward.

Instead, make a deal. Say, “When you have your shoes on, then we can go to the park like you wanted. Sometimes there are sharp objects on the ground at the park, so the rule says you have to wear shoes.”

Grandma’s Rule motivates your child to cooperate so she can do what she wants to do, and your explanation for the rule reinforces the importance of following it.



16. “Let’s put on this shirt.”           “No. I don’t wanna wear that!”

Helpful hints: * Work with your child to choose outfits ahead of time to prevent delays when you’re in hurry. Be willing to stick to your mutual decision if battles flare up later. Otherwise, your child will learn to test all your decisions, whether they were mutual or not.

Encourage your child’s eye for coordination by arranging matching outfits in different drawers or containers.
If necessary, wean your child slowly from his favorite article of clothing by restricting him from wearing it one day the first week, two days the second, and so on until he wears it only one day a week or less often.


1)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you just wear what you’re supposed to wear?”

Implying that your child is flawed squelches his healthy desire to express his opinions. Also, asking a “why” questions may make him defensive in order to justify  his position.

Instead, teach the rule. Say, “I know you want to wear swim trunks to school, but the rule says that we wear pants and shirts to school. You may wear swim trunks when you get home.”

Invoking the rule takes the pressure off you being the “bad guy” and gives your child options to choose from, within the permitted range.



2)      Don’t use anger. Don’t say, “Just put on what I tell you! I’m sick and tired of your wanting to wear weird things.”

Although you may be tempted to react with anger when you’re frustrated, think of how your child would feel on the receiving end of such verbal abuse.

Instead, use empathy. Say, “I know you want to wear shorts today. I’d like to wear shorts, too. But the rule is that we wear pants and long-sleeve shirts when the thermometer says it’s cold outside.”

Showing your child that you empathize with his desire to wear his favorite clothes tells him that you care about his opinions. Letting the rule dictate what clothing is appropriate gives your child the freedom to make decision within established guidelines. In addition, it teaches him that rules govern our behavior by telling us what’s appropriate.



3)      Don’t beg, don’t say, “Come on, sweetheart, wear that Mommy wants.”

Begging your child tells him that he’s in control, a prospect that usually frightens children. In addition, using guilt to motivate his cooperation inspires him to do what you ask because he wants to make sure you still love him. He shouldn’t perceive your love as dependent on his willingness to cooperate.

Instead, remind him about the rule, say, “I know you want to wear shorts today. Does the thermometer say it’s warm enough for shorts?”

Making the thermometer the enforcer reduces potential conflict with you. It also teaches your child how to monitor weather conditions to make appropriate decisions.



17. “Please change your clothes.”        “No. I don’t wanna change my clothes!”

Helpful hints: * Whenever possible, tell your child why you’re changing your clothes, so she can learn when and why certain clothing is appropriate.

Minimize your child’s clothing options to avoid confusion and meltdown. For example, say, “You may choose to change into your jeans or overalls before going outside to play.”


1)      Don’t belittle, don’t say, “No, you can’t wear that! Are you crazy?”

Implying that your child has a mental problem won’t motivate her to comply, but it will set the stage for a poor self-image. It will also teach her to judge others and use harsh words to describe their behavior.

Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, ‘What’s the rule about what you’re supposed to wear to soccer practice?”

Reminding her of the rule reinforces it in her mind and puts it in control of the situation. You become her helper, not her adversary.



2) Don’t beg. Don’t say, “Whey can’t you just be a good girl and change yr clothes?”

Begging your child to be a “god girl” commits two costly errors: it implies that something is wrong with hr because she doesn’t want to change her clothes, and it doesn’t separate her from her behavior. Since your child’s behavior doesn’t define who she is, avoid phrases like “good girl” and “bad girl.”

Instead, make a deal. Say, “when you’ve changed into your play clothes, then you may go outside with the other kids.”



2)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t change your clothes, I’m going to get mad. You don’t want me to get mad, do you?”

Daring your child to make you mad gives her two unattractive choices: she may refuse to cooperate just to watch you explode (an exciting lesson in cause and effect_, or she may choose to cooperate out of fear.

Instead, reframe the situation. Say, “Since tomorrow is Saturday, you won’t have to put on school clothes when you get up. But today’s a school day, so let’s get dressed for school.”

Giving your child something to look forward to may distract her from her desire to stay in the clothes she’s wearing.



3)      Don’t nag. Don’t say, “How many times do I have to tell you to change your clothes?”

Nagging doesn’t teach your child to cooperate and offers no motivation for her to follow your directions.

Instead, play a game. Say, “Let’s see if you can get changed into your dress clothes before the timer rings.”

Using your child’s natural competitive spirit distracts her from the emerging confrontation and playfully motivates her to cooperate.

Section III eating 18-

第三部分：吃

18. “Please stay at the table.”    “No. I wanna get down!”

Helpful hints: * Turn off the TV and computer during meals so they don’t distract your child from eating.

Set a timer to tell your child when it’s okay for him to leave the table.
If necessary, make sure someone can supervise your child when he leaves the table, so you’ll know he’s safe before sending him off.
Try eating as many meals as possible sitting at the table, so your child becomes used to it. Limit eating in the car and elsewhere.
1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t stay at the table, you’ll have to go to the bed. You don’t want that, do you?”

Threatening isolation for wanting to get down and play won’t teach your child to enjoy the family meal. Plus, it will associate his bed with punishment. It may also challenge him to call your bluff by thinking, “What if I don’t stay at the table? Will she follow through?”



Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “Thank you for sitting so nicely at the table. We love your company.”

Everyone wants to be appreciated. Praising your child’s patience, however fleeting it might be, will encourage him to be even more patient the next time.



2)      Don’t force. Don’t say, “You’re going to sit at the table until your plate is clean”

Forcing your child to “make a happy plate” teaches him to continue eating after he feels full, which can lead to eating disorders and childhood obesity. You want him to lean to respond to his body’s hunger cues, so don’t force him to overeat.

Instead, play a game, say, “Let’s pay the good-day game. Each of us can tell about a good thing that happened today.”

Encourage your child to stay at the table by asking him to tell a story about something fun that happened to him that day. Not only will he like telling his own stories, he’ll enjoy hearing other stories.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you stay at the table a little longer, I’ll get your some ice cream.”

Getting a reward for doing what you’ve asked teaches your child that his cooperation comes with a price.

Instead, remind him about the rule, say, “I know you want to get down from the table, but the rule says that you may get down when the timer rings.”

By showing empathy and encouragement while invoking the rule, you’ll increase your child’s resilience and help him understand that rules help us navigate our world.



19. “Please use your fork (or spoon).”        “No. I don’t wanna use a fork!”

Helpful hints: * Make rules about table manners and compliment your child for following them.

Model appropriate table manners, and point out what you’re doing. For example, say, “I’m putting my napkin in my lap and picking up my fork.”
Avoid serving finger foods too often (such as burgers, fries, and pizza) so your child can get plenty of practice using a fork and spoon.
Have your child help set the table occasionally, and talk about how to use napkins and utensils.


1)      Don’t demand. Don’t say, “You’re gong to sit there until you’ve eaten everything on your plate.”

Forcing your child to eat after he’s had enough can lead to overeating and obesity. As with other aspects of his behavior, trying to control his eating habits is futile and counterproductive.

Instead, offer choice. Say, “I see you’ve had enough to eat. You may get down and play, or you can sit here and talk to us while we finish.”

When your child starts to play with his food, chances are he’s had enough. Removing his plate or allowing him to leave the table will prevent the situation from escalating into a food fight.



2)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “Now, sweetheart, you know Mommy worked really hard to fix this food. Please eat my food.”

Associating food with love is s sure-fire way to promote an eating disorder. Don’t encourage your child to think, “If I don’t eat Mommy’s food, she’ll think I don’t love her.”

Instead, encourage communication. Say, “When you’re done with you food, say “All done.’ Then I’ll help you get down.”

Encouraging your child to tell you when he’s finished lets him exert needed control over his world.



3)      Don’t back him into a corner. Don’t say, “Too bad you don’t like what we’re having. You can eat it or leave the table. If you leave, I don’t want to hear any whining about being hungry because you’re not getting anything else to eat.”

Your lack of empathy will show your child that you don’t care about his feelings, which will only increase his anger and defiance.

Instead, use empathy. Say, “I’m sorry you don’t want to eat what we’re having. Our tastes change sometimes, so I want you to taste this to see if you like it now.”

Empathizing with your child will encourage him to taste a food he may have previously rejected. It’ll also help him try new foods he may have otherwise rejected on sight.



20. “Please eat what’s on your plate.”    “No. I don’t wanna eat that!”

Helpful hints: * Don’t try to force your child to eat a big meal when he isn’t hungry, such as shortly after a snack or drink.

it’s normal for children to be less cooperative when they’re hungry or tired. Consider that your child may be cranky when he doesn’t want to eat when he’s served.
Be aware of the recommended nutrition guidelines for toddlers and preschoolers. Contact the national dairy council at 847-803-2000 or check their website at www.nutritionexplorations.org.


1)      Don’t demand. Don’t say, “You’re gong to sit there until you’ve eaten everything on your plate.”

Forcing your child to eat after he’s had enough can lead to overeating and obesity. As with other aspects of his behavior, trying to control his eating habits is futile and counterproductive.

Instead, offer choices. Say, “I see you’ve had enough to eat. You may get down and play or you can sit here and talk to us while we finish.”

When your chills tarts to play with his food, chances are he’s had enough. Removing his plate or allowing him to leave the table will prevent the situation from escalating into a food fight.



2)      don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “Now, sweetheart, you know mommy worked really hard to fix this food. Please eat my food.”

Associating food with love is a sure-fire way to promote an eating disorder. Don’t encourage your child to think, “If I don’t eat Mommy’s food, she’ll think I don’t love her.”

Instead, encourage communication. Say, “When you’re done with your food, say ’all done.’ Then I’ll help you get down.”

Encouraging your child to tell you when he’s finished lets him exert needed control over his world.



3)      Don’t back him into a corner. Don’t say, “Too bad you don’t like what we’re having. You can eat it or leave the table. If you leave, I don’t want to hear any whining about being hungry because you’re not getting anything else to eat.”

Your lack of empathy will show your child that you don’t care about his feelings, which will only increase his anger and defiance.

Instead, use empathy. Say, “I’m sorry you don’t want to eat what we’re having. Our tastes change sometimes, so I want you to taste this to see if you like it now.”

Empathizing with your child will encourage him to taste a food he may have previously rejected. It’ll also help him try new foods he my have otherwise rejected on sight.

Section IV: Manners

第四部分：礼节方面

21 “Please let  your brother watch his show.”        “No. I wanna watch my show!”

Helpful hints: * Monitor your own behavior when sharing the remote and other entertainment devices. Your children will learn from your example.

Limit your TV viewing so your child won’t get the message that watching lots of TV is okay.


1)      Don’t give in. Don’t say, “Okay, I guess it’s your turn. Go ahead and change the channel if you want.”

Giving in won’t teach your child to cooperate and share with others. It will only tell her that she can get her way if she pushes hard enough for it. If your other child is competing for TV time, giving in will only anger the sibling who believes he was treated unfairly.

Instead, make a deal, say, ”When you take turns watching your show, you may continue to watch. Otherwise, the TV will have to be turned off.”

Grandma’s Rule, which teaches that duty comes before pleasure, will encourage sharing as your children look to the long0term benefits of compromise.



2)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, “You’re so selfish. Why can’t you share?”

Telling your child that she’s selfish suggests that her selfishness is an insurmountable character flaw, which gives her permission to continue to behave selfishly.

Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “What’s the rule about sharing the remote?
asking your child to state the rule ensures her knowledge of it and reminds her tha tit will be enforced. When you’ve established the rule as the authority, you can then be on your child’s side in encouraging her to follow it.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you share the remote, I’ll give you some candy.”

Bribing your child teaches her that she can get a reward for cooperating—and that she should continue resisting your request until she gets an offer.

Instead, be a role model. Say, “See how mommy and daddy share the TV? We take turns when we both want to watch! I hop you can share like that, too, when you’re at your friends’ house.”

Modeling appropriate behavior helps you r child learn to share. Using the words and body language associated with sharing (smiling, saying please and thank you, and so on ) will encourage her to imitate those actions.



4)      Don’t lecture. Don’t say, “I’m going to explain to you once and for all why we have to share the T. now listen!”

Lecturing actually discourages your child from listening because she tunes out after a short time. Chances are she knows what the rule is, but since you haven’t done anything to enforce it, she doesn’t need to take it seriously.

Instead, offer consequences. Say, “I’m sorry you’ve chosen not to share the remote. The TV will have to be tuned off now.”

Empathize with your child while following through with consequence when she violates rules. Tell her that you’re sorry she made inappropriate decisions, but you meant what you said. This will enhance your credibility and increase the chances of her choosing to cooperate next time.



22. “Please say thank you.”        “No. I don’t wanna say thank you!”

Helpful hints: * Modeling good manners not only shows your child how they work, it confirms their importance.

Establishing rules about manners will set positive guidelines your child can use when dealing with others.


1)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “Why are you so rude?”

First of all, your child may have no idea what rude means. If he does, referring to him this way may make him believe it’s an unchangeable part of his personality.

Instead, use praise. Say, “That was polite of you to say thank you to your friend. I’m sure he appreciated it.”

Praising your child’s use of manners increases the chance that he’ll repeat the behavior. Don’t forget to point out how grateful people are when manners are used.



2)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “You embarrassed me when you didn’t say hello to Mrs. Jones. What am I going to do with you?”

Don’t tell your child that he embarrasses you. That tells him that he’s responsible for your feelings.



Instead, practice. Say, “What do we say when someone gives us something? Let’s practice before we go to Grandma’s. She always gives you cookies when we’re there, and she really likes it when you say thank you.”

Asking about the rule and practicing it ahead of time keeps manners fresh in y our child’s mind and improves the odds that he’ll use them when the time comes.



3)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t say than you to Grandma when she gives you a cookie, I’ll have to swat you and put you in time-out. Now remember that.”

Threatening physical violence and isolation won’t teach your child to use manners. It will only show him that if you’re bigger and stronger, you can intimidate people to do what you want.

Instead, make a deal. Say, ‘When you say please, then you may have a cookie.”

This most basic use of Grandma’s Rule tells your child that when he follows the manners rules, he gets the results he wants.



23.  “ Please be quiet.”    “No. I don’t wanna be quiet!”

Helpful hints: * Use animal references to help your child remember when and where she can use different voices. For example, ask her to be “quiet as a mouse” in church, and to “roar like a lion” at soccer.

If your child is a habitually loud talker, have her hearing checked to make sure she doesn’t have hearing loss.
Before taking your child to an event that requires being quiet, consider her ability to understand and enjoy the event.


1)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, ‘What’s the matter with you? Don’t you have any respect for other people?”

Suggesting that your child is uncaring and unfeeling wont’ show her who to use her manners. When you treat her with disrespect, it will be hard to learn to respect others and will give her permission to continue behaving in a self-centered way.



Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “I’m sorry you forgot that we’re supposed to use our quiet voice in the library. Next time, I’m sure you’ll remember the rule.”

Empathizing with your child tells her that you understand how she feels, but that the rule still applies. Reminding her of the rule helps her learn the lesson without putting her down. She’s still okay; it’s her behavior that’s in appropriate.



2)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you can’t be quiet, I’ll give you a swat! Now shut up!”

Never physically or verbally abuse your child. These words and actions not only model behavior you don’t want your child to use, they also tell her that threatening someone is an acceptable method of getting what you want.



Instead, practice. Say, “Let’s practice using our quiet voice for a while before we go to the library. You know the library has a rule about being quiet.”

Practicing is a good way to make sure your child understand the rule. Make practicing fun by smiling as your child uses her quiet voice and telling her who much you like it.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “I’ll give you some candy if you’ll whisper instead of talking out loud.”

Bribing your child won’t teach her to use manners out of respect for others. She’ll only do it to get a reward.

Instead, make a deal, say. “When you follow the quiet-voice rule, then we’ll be able to stay and enjoy the program. Otherwise, we’ll have to leave.”

Use Grandma’s Rule to teach your child that she has choices and that those choices lead to positive and negative consequences. Letting her decide which choice to make helps her feel more in control and gives her practice in making decisions. She also learns that cooperating with your request leads to getting to do what she wants.



4)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “Nobody likes a big mouth, so just be quiet!”

Don’t tell your child that she won’t be likable because she talks loudly. This won’t teach her to use her manners and may lead her to feel like an outcast.

Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “Thank you for using quiet voice. You’re following the quiet-voice rule so nicely.”

Praising your child for using her quiet voice not only reminds her of the rule but also encourages her to continue being quiet. Children want to cooperate with people they trust and respect—and with people who respect them in return.



5)      Don’t nag. Don’t say, “I’ve asked you three times now to be quiet. How many times do I have to ask you?”

Nagging your child won’t teach her to use a quiet vice out of respect for others. When you nag, you essentially throw up your hands in despair, which accomplishes nothing.

Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “We’re going to church this morning. What’s the rule about using quiet voices while we’re there?”

Ask your child to tell you the rule as a subtle reminder of how to behave in church. When she explains the rule, she feels in charge of the situation and is motivated to follow the rule.



24. “Please sit there.”        “No! I don’t wanna sit there.”

Helpful hints: * Make a seating chart for the car, the dinner table, and other places where your child haggles over his seat. This lets him practice taking turns democratically. Discuss the seating arrangement with him ahead of time to avoid squabbles.



1)      Don’t yell. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? You know you can’t sit there, so move it!”

There’s nothing wrong with a child who asserts his independence. Your militant approach will create two problems: It will model authoritarian behavior that you don’t want him to imitate, and it will make him reluctant to express his feelings for fear you’ll yell at him.

Instead, remind him about he rule. Say, “What’s the rule about sitting in the car? When you follow the rule, you’ll be safe.”

Safety must be your primary consideration. Asking your child to repeat the rule reminds him to follow it.



2)      Don’t be bribe. Don’t say, “If you sit in the back seat, where you’re supposed to sit, we can stop at the store and buy you a treat.”

Bribing your child to follow the seating rules only tells him that he can get a reward for doing what he’s supposed to do. You want him to learn to follow the rule because it’s the safe thing to do.

Instead, empathize. Say, “I’m sorry you can’t sit here. I know you want to sit up front, but he back seat is the safe seat for children.”

Empathizing with your child’s desire to choose his seat shows him how to empathize with others and helps him understand why he must follow the car-seat rule.



3)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t get in the seat you’re supposed to be in, I’ll give you a swat on the behind.”

Threatening to hurt your child won’t help him learn how to do what he’s supposed to do.

Instead, it will teach him that bigger, stronger people get to have their way.

Instead, use a chart. Say, “Let’s check the chart to see where you get to sit. Today’s Monday so that mean you get to sit in the seat right behind mommy!”

Consider setting up a seating chart that alternates your child’s seating position without compromising his safety. Relying on a prearranged seating chart helps prevent conflict and teaches your child about cooperation and sharing. It also helps him learn that cooperation makes everyone happy.



25. “Please talk to your daddy on the phone. “        “No. I don’t wanna talk to daddy on the phone!”

Helpful hints: * Make sure your child has the skills needed to participate in a phone conversation.

Try to call your ex at a time when your child is most inclined to talk (after a nap, after a meal, in the morning, and so on).
Talk about the important of empathy, kindness, and caring so your child learns to think about how her behavior affects others.
Encourage your child to talk about feelings, a practice that will enhance her natural empathy. While playing dollhouse with her, for example, have the dolls talk to each other about heir feelings. See what your child “says” for the dolls.


1)      Don’t belittle. Say’s say, “What’s the matter with you? Don’t you know it’s rude to refuse to talk to daddy on the phone?”

Don’t suggest that there’s something wrong with your child because she doesn’t want to talk on the phone. She may be telling you that she needs want to talk on the phone. She may be telling you that she needs help with her emotions, or she may not be ready to talk at that particular time. Your angry response won’t encourage her to express her feelings.



Instead, empathize. Say, “I understand that you don’t want to talk to daddy right now. Daddy very much wants to talk to you, and he feels a little frustrated that you don’t want to talk to him. But he understands and he’ll be available when you’re ready.”

Encouraging your child to think about her other parent’s feelings will help her reflect on how it would feel to be in her daddy’s shoes. She’ll also be able to think about how her decision affects others.



2)      Don’t make love conditional. Don’t say, “Daddy won’t love you anymore if you don’t talk to him on the phone.”

Threatening loss of Daddy’s (or Mommy’s) love tells your child that she’s only lovable when she’s doing what her parents want. This is a dangerous and harmful message that teaches her that in order to be loved, she must always meet her parents’ need.

Instead, be understanding. Say, “Tell me what you’re thinking about when you say you don’t want to talk to daddy. Help me understand your decision.”

Asking for your child’s thoughts opens a dialogue that can guide you toward a solution! It also models caring and empathy, two positive ways to interact with others.



3)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t talk to daddy on the phone, you’ll have to spend the day in your room.”

Threatening to isolate your child won’t teach her to do what you’ve asked out of empathy for her other parent’s feelings.

Instead, make a deal, say, “When you’ve talked to daddy on the phone, then you may go outside any play.”

Grandma’s Rule can provide the motivation your child needs to decide to talk to Daddy. It can also reinforce the importance of doing what needs to be done before doing what she wants.



4)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “I know you’re say, but you really need to talk to daddy when he calls.”

Telling your child that she’s say establishes shyness as part of her personality, which may perpetuate the behavior.

Instead, offer support. Day, “Daddy will be calling today. Le’s practice some things to say to him, because he loves to talk to you on the phone.”

Suggest ways your child can feel comfortable doing something brave, such as talking to her father on the phone. Practicing the language ahead of time twill make your child more comfortable with the experience.

Section V Playing

第五部分：玩

26. “Please turn off the TV.”    “No. I don’t wanna turn off the TV!”

Helpful hints: * Make rules about how much and what kind of TV is acceptable each day. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents limit TV time to no more than one to two hours of quality programming per day fro children two years and older.

Limit your own TV viewing so your child will follow your example.
Watch with your child to encourage him to be an active viewer. Ask him questions about the content and, if necessary, explain how advertisers try to manipulate his thoughts and feelings.
1)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? I told you to turn off the TV. Are you deaf?”

If you know your child doesn’t have a hearing problem and is just ignoring you, don’t ask such a belittling questioning. Stick to the goal of teaching him to follow your directions.

Instead, offer solutions. Say, “I understand that you don’t want to turn off the TV, but you’ve used up your TV time for the day. Let’s think of other fun things you can do.”

Your empathy and understanding, as well as your reminder of the rule, will help your child learn that it’s important to follow the rules. Letting him know that you’re sensitive to his needs and desires will strengthen your relationship and encourage his cooperation.



2)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t get off your rear end and turn off the TV, you’ll be sorry, mister.”

Threatening to punish your child will either encourage him to avoid you or will entice him to test your threat by refusing to cooperate.

Instead, make a deal, say, “When you turn off the TV, then you may watch one of your favorite programs later. If you don’t turn it off now, then TV time is over for the day.”

Grandma’s Rule, which encourages children to earn their privileges, will help your child learn to delay gratification and do what he needs to do before getting to do what he wants to do.



3)      Don’t tattle. Don’t say, “When your father gets home, I’m going to tell him you wouldn’t turn off the TV when I told you to.”

Tattling to the other parent tells your child that you’re not able to enforce the rules, which damages your credibility. Using fear of the other parent’s anger will also diminish your child’s ability to empathize.

Instead, remind him about the rule. Say, “When this program is over, the rules says TV time I is over.”

Reminder your child of the rule gives him time to prepare for the end of the activity. This teaches him that you and he can work together to meet both of your agendas.



27. “Please play be yourself for a while.”  “No. I don’t wanna play by myself!”

Helpful hints: * Understand your child’s developmental need to frequently “tag up” to you as “home base,” just to know you’re there. (See Milestones of Development on pages 227-229.)

Let your child play near you while you’re busy with other things, such as talking on the phone, so she can see you and hear you while she’s playing independently.
Encourage your child’s independent play by providing interactive toys that require her manipulation.
Schedule play time with your child each day so she’ll know she’ll have that time exclusively with you.
Make sure your child’s play area is safe, comfortable, and inviting.


1)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “Shut up about wanting somebody to play with! How many times do I have to tell you I’m too busy?”

The “how many times” guilt trip will only make your child feel bad; it won’t show her how to entertain herself. In addition, modeling abusive language will only teach your child to use it, too.

Instead, make a deal. Say, “I know you want me to play with you, but I need to talk on the phone right now. I’ll set the timer for ten minutes. When you play by yourself until the timer rings, then we can play a game together.”

Use a time to help your child learn to play on her own. If necessary, practice the timer game when it’s not urgently needed to make sure your child understands how it works.



2)      Don’t give in. don’t say, “Okay, stop whining. I’ll guilt folding laundry and play with you. I don’t care if we don’t have any clean clothes.”

Giving in to your child’s whining only encourages her to continue using this strategy to get what she wants.

Instead, make a deal. Say, “When you play by yourself until I finish putting away the laundry, we can play dollhouse until it’s time for dinner.”

Grandma’s Rule will help your child learn to compromise and delay gratification in order to get what she wants—time with you.



3)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t stop whining about having to play by yourself, I’m going to make you stay in your room all day. Then maybe you’ll learn to entertain yourself.”

Don’t punish your child for not being able to entertain herself. It won’t teach her how to accomplish that goal, and it will discourage her from telling you what she wants appropriately.

Instead, offer choices. Say, “You may stay here and play until I’ve finished the dishes, or you may play in your room until I’m available. You decide.”

Instead of punishing your child for trying o get your attention, give her the choice of staying near you while you finish your chores. This win-win solution teaches her that compromising can help her meet her agenda.



4)      Don’t use anger. Don’t say, “I’m sick and tired of your constant whining for attention. Do you think all I have to do is play with you?”

Don’t use anger to try to motivate your child’s independence. Doing so will erode her empathy and tech her that wanting to be with you isn’t important to you—a hurtful, abusive message.

Instead, be grateful. Say, “I’m so glad you want to play with me. I want to play with you, too. When I’ve finished my work and you’ve finished your play, we can play together.”

Being grateful for your child’s desire to be with you teaches her that she’s a valued person in your life. In addition, providing a future payoff of your time and attention can reinforce her ability to play by herself.



28. “Please stop playing your video game.”        “No. I don’t wanna stop playing my video game!”

Helpful hints: * Set a timer to signal when a video game or computer needs to be turned off.”

Provide a variety of stimulating materials (picture books, dress-up clothes, markers, paper, crayons, coloring books, arts-and-crafts supplies, and so on) to encourage your child’s imagination and creativity.
Screen the content of all video and computer games before letting your child use them. Ensure that they depict healthy relationships, model nonviolent behaviors, and send positive messages.
Limit your use of video and computer games while your preschooler is nearby.
1)      Don’t use vague threats. Don’t say, “I told you to stop playing your video game, and I mean it. If I have to come in there and tell you one more time, you’ll be sorry.”

Vague threats of ‘one more time’ only encourage your child to push your limits rather than follow the rule. When that happens, you’re forced to follow through with some kind of punishment, or risk losing your credibility. Don’t force yourself into a corner with a lose-lose strategy.

Instead, use the timer. Say, “When the timer rings, it’s time to put away your game and find something else to do.”

Set limits and use the timer to signal when the limit has been reached. Respecting limits will become a healthy habit your child can use in other situations s he gets older.



2)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, “Do you want to become a fat, lazy kid? You will if you don’t stop playing that computer game and don’t get any exercise.”

Don’t tell your child that he’ll become fat and lazy in the future. It’s not a concept he’ll be able to grasp now, so it’s ineffective in motivating him to follow the rule. It can, however, become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you say it repeatedly.

Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “Thank you for putting away your video game when I asked you to.”

Praising your child’s cooperation provides him with what he wants most: your attention and compliments.



3)      Don’t compare. Don’t say, “Why can’t you mind me when I tell you to do something? You’re just like your father. He never listens to me either.”

Telling your child that he’s behaving like another family member puts both of then in a negative light, which doesn’t teach your child how to cooperate.

Instead, make a deal. Say, “When you stop playing when the timer ring, then you’ll get to play again later.”

Grandma’s Rule teaches your child that when he does what he has to do, then he gets to do what he wants to do. This enables both of your agendas to be met.



4)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “if you don’t stop playing now, I’ll have to spank you.”

Threatening your child with physical pain may achieve short-term results, but it won’t teach him the long-term benefit of cooperating. Instead, it will drive the behavior underground. He’ll continue to play as long as he thinks he can get away with it. He wont’ learn the self-discipline her needs to limit the activity on his own.

Instead, use time-out. Say, “I’m sorry you didn’t stop when your time was up. Now the game will have to go into time-out for the rest of the day.”

Saying your are sorry models empathy for your child and lets him know you understand that stopping his un was hard for him .Removing the game for a period of time teaches him that his lack of cooperation will result in negative consequences.



29. “Please play quietly while the baby’s sleeping.”    “No! I don’t wanna play quietly.”

Helpful hints: * Make rules about playing quietly during the baby’s nap. Give your child advance notice that in five minutes, for example, you’re going to put the baby down. Then quiet time will begin.

Use a baby monitor so you can hear what’s going on in the baby’s room while you and your toddler are playing in another room. This way you won’t have to constantly shush your toddler to listen for the baby.
Help your child understand exactly what you mean when you ask her to be quiet. She may think she’s not allowed to speak or move! Demonstrate the kind of voice you want her to use, and encourage her to avoid making sudden loud noises.
Toddlers are naturally noisy, so be prepared to put up with an occasional thump, squeal, or bang. Luckily, babies are designed to endure a certain amount of noise while sleeping.


1)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “What’s wrong with you? I told you to be quiet!”

There’s nothing wrong with your child. She’s just being a normal preschooler who wants to talk, sing, dance, and make her presence known. Your job is to teach her to put herself in another person’s shoes, and to model that behavior yourself.

Instead, play the quiet game. Whisper, “it’s quiet time now. Let’s see how quiet we can be. Shhhh.  hear the clock tick? Isn’t it nice and peaceful when it’s quiet? When the baby wakes up, quiet time will be over. Let’s enjoy it as long as we can.”

Point out the value of quiet time to help your child learn to enjoy it. Your positive attitude will encourage her to follow your directions as you play the game.



2)      Don’t use anger. Don’t say, “Why can’t you be quiet like I asked you?  You’re making me mad!”

Avoid “why” questions that automatically make your child defensive, thereby discouraging her from wanting to do what you ask. Attacking her for simply wanting to have fun will alienate her, not encourage her to cooperate.

Instead, use the timer. Say, “It’s going to be time for the baby’s nap in five minutes. When the timer rings, quiet time starts, let’s get ready.”

Letting your child anticipate what’s gong to happen give s her time to shift into quiet mode. Using the timer to control the situation helps prevent conflict and makes quiet time easier to handle.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you can stay quiet while the baby’s sleeping, I’ll give you some ice cream when he wakes up.”

Bribing your child with food makes her think she can charge you a price for cooperating. This doesn’t teach her to follow directions so she feels good about helping the baby sleep.

Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “You’re playing so quietly. Thank you so much for following the quiet rule and helping the baby take a good nap. Babies really need their sleep.”

Praising your child’s quiet play, linking it to her natural empathy. Your praise will reinforce her willingness to cooperate and will expand her ability to empathize.



30. “Please share.”    “No. I don’t wanna share”

Helpful hints: * Make rules about sharing. For example, “When you put a toy on the floor, anyone may play with it. When you have it in your hand, you may keep it.”

Point out examples of sharing so your child can learn how it works: for example, when you give him part of your sandwich, or when you let him wear your shoes to play dress-up.
Let your child put away a few favorite toys before friends come over.
Start your own family outreach program by sharing unused toys and clothing with those who are less fortunate.


1)      Don’t use putdowns. Don’t say, “You’re such a selfish child. Nobody will want to play with you.”

Predicting your child’s social isolation won’t teach him to share, but it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Instead, remind him about the rule, say, “Remember, when your friend has a toy, you have to wait until he puts it down before you can play with it.”

Reminding your child about the rule helps him remember it and connect it to the immediate situation. Focusing on what you want him to learn is much more effective than focusing on the negative behavior.



2)      Don’t ask unanswerable questions. Don’t say, “Why can’t you share your toys?”

Asking your child to explain why he can’t share is like asking a baby to explain why he can’t crawl.

Instead. Offer support. Say, “I know it’s hard to share sometimes. I’ll stay with you and your friend while you play, so I can help you share with each other.”

How nice to have a coach to teach you a difficult skill! Taking this approach puts you and your child on the same tea. Supervising his play also gives you the opportunity to praise sharing and to stop squabbling before it escalates.



3)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t share your toys, I’ll just throw them in the trash. That’ll teach you.”

Idle threats won’t teach your child to share. He may take your threat to heart and share for the moment, but he’ll do so only to avoid losing they toys, not because he cares about others’ feelings.

Instead, use time-out. Say, “I’m sorry that toy is causing problems between the two of you. It will have to go into time-out for a while.”

Temporarily removing a “troublemaking” toy will reduce conflict without shaming either child. It will also give you a chance to remind them about the rule.



4)      Don’t beg. Don’t say, “Won’t you please share? Do it for mommy, please.”

Begging teaches your child to share only to avoid losing your love and approval, no t because he want to work and play well with others.

Instead, use a timer. Say, “I’ll set the timer. When it rings, it’ll b time to give the toy to your brother so he can play with it until the timer rings again. Isn’t that a nice way to share?”

Using a timer to enforce the sharing rule puts the timer in control, not you. This helps you focus on encouraging your child to follow the rule.



31. “Pleas turn down the music.”    “No. I don’t wanna turn down the music.”

Helpful hints: * Make a rule about appropriate volume levels. Mark the volume control with a piece of tape, or remind your child of the volume number that should not be exceeded (for digital volume controls).

Don’t complain about turning the music down when somebody asks you to do so.
Model respect for others by asking them if the music is too loud or not loud enough.
Have your child’s hearing checked to make sure a hearing problem isn’t causing her desire for high volume.
Consider having your child use headphones if her musical tastes and volume needs aren’t compatible with other family members. Make sure her CD or tape player doesn’t have unsafe volume levels that would threaten her hearing.


1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t turn that down, I’m going to come in there and smack you.”

Never threaten your child with physical violence to get her to follow the rules. Doing so may work in the short term, but it won’t help her learn the lesson you want to teach: being considerate of others’ feelings.

Instead, state the problem. Say, “I know you like the volume loud, but it hurts my ears. You need to turn it down.”

Telling your child about the impact her loud volume has on you encourages her to use her natural empathy. Instead of screaming at her to do what  you want, explain the reasoning behind your request. Your child will feel important because you respect her enough to tell her the truth.



2)      Don’t punish. Don’t say, “I’m sick and tired of that loud music. Give me that CD player so I can throw it away!”

Don’t tell your child that you’re going to destroy her CD player to get her to cooperate. A drastic, destructive ‘solution” may stop the noise, but it won’t help her learn the importance of cooperation. In fact, it suggests that if she misbehaves, she can be thrown out, too.

Instead, use time-out. Say, “I’m sorry you didn’t remember to keep the volume down. Now the CD player will have to go into time-out until tomorrow.”

Enforcing the volume rule tells your child she must keep the volume down to keep her CD player on. Putting the machine in time-out is an effective strategy because the volume gets turned down (to “off) and your child learn the importance of following the rules.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you keep the volume down, I’ll buy you some new CDs.”

Bribing your child with more music to get her to keep the volume down teaches her that she should be rewarded for doing what you ask.

Instead, make a deal. Say, “When you keep the volume where we marked it,  you may use your CD player.”

Grandma’s Rule tells your child that when she follows the rules, she gets to do what she wants to do.

Section VI Cleanup Routines

第六部分：日常清洁

32. “Please clean up your toys.”                “No! I don’t wanna clean up!”

请收拾好你的玩具。          不，我不想收拾！

Helpful Hints      * Encourage your child’s cleanup habit by establishing a simple rule: Before getting out another toy, you must put away the one you’re playing with.

× 有用的小策略：  *建立简单的规则来鼓励孩子的整洁清理习惯：在玩另外的玩具前，必须收拾好正在玩的玩具！

Make it easy for your child to pick up his things so he’ll be more inclined to follow the rule. Fox example, set up low-level shelves and bins for easy storage.

让孩子收拾整理东西更容易，这样他会更愿意遵守规则。例如，用一些矮一点的架子和存贮框。

Include your child in family cleanup routines so he can learn by watching and doing.
让孩子参与家里的日常清洁整理中，让他通过看和做来学习。

Consider limiting the number of toys available to your child by dividing his toys into four groups and putting away all but one group. At the end of the week, put away that group and get another one out for the next week.
考虑限制孩子一次可玩的玩具的数目，可以把玩具分成4组，留下一组，收好别的组的玩具。一星期后换另一组。

1)  Don’t nag. Don’t say, “How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your clothes?”

No one wants to be around a nag. Nagging only teaches your child to tune you out and to use nagging to motivate others. It doesn’t teach him to value neatness or show him how to accomplish it.

不要唠叨，不要说，“我都和你讲了多少次了，要收拾好你的衣服？”

没有人想听唠叨。唠叨只会让孩子远离你和让他也学会唠叨别人。唠叨不会教会孩子整洁的重要性和教他如何去收拾整洁。

Instead, remind him about the rule. Say, “Remember, the rule says you can get out another toy when you’ve put away the one you’re finished with.”

取而代之的是提醒他规则， 说，“记住，我们的规则是，当你要玩新的玩具时，你必须收拾好正在玩的玩具。
Gently reminding your child of the rule teaches him much more than cooperation: It teaches him that organization and order are important. In addition, when you set rules to encourage your child to cooperate, you give him practice in how the world works. Following rules is common: obeying traffic lights, paying for what you buy, and so on. It’s never too early to begin practicing.

轻轻地提醒孩子收拾的规则不仅仅教会他合作：还告诉他整洁有序的重要性。另外，在你制定规则让孩子合作时，你也教会孩子适应现实世界。遵守规则十分普遍：遵守交通灯，买东西付钱等等。这些最好早早地开始练习。

2)  Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t put away your toys, I’ll just throw them in the trash.”

Telling your child that you’ll throw away his toys if he doesn’t comply means you’ll have to follow through if he calls your bluff-a costly consequence for both of you. Plus, it wont’ teach him how to pick up after himself.

不要威胁，不要说， ”如果你不收拾玩具。我就把它们丢进垃圾堆。“

告诉孩子，当他不服从时，你要把玩具丢掉，这意味着你必须这么做，否则他会说你吹牛。这对你们二来说都是昂贵的结果。而且，这样，还是不会教会孩子玩完后收拾。

Instead, make it a game. Say, “Let’s set the timer and see if we can finish cleaning up before it rings.”
取而代之的是采用游戏法，说，“让我们定个闹钟看我们能不能在铃响之前收拾好！”

Using a timer puts it—not you—in control. Working together reinforces the values of teamwork and gives you the opportunity to praise your child’s effort.
用闹钟而不是你来控制。一起收拾加强团队意识，也给你机会去表扬孩子所作出的努力。

3) Don’t label. Don’t say, “No wonder you can’t pick up after yourself. You’re a slob just like your mother.”

Avoid hurtful words. They’re never worth the pain they cause, and they only serve to create more conflict. In addition, labeling your child a slob may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

不要（给孩子）定性， 不要说，“难怪你玩完后不收拾，你就象你妈妈一样得懒散。” 避免使用伤害的言语。它们的效果远远弥补不了它所造成得伤害，它们只会制造更多的从突。而且，给孩子定性，孩子可能自己真的实现你的预言。

Instead, empathize. Say, “I know it’s hard to clean up when you want to keep playing. I understand how you feel.”

If you’re a little “cleaning challenged” yourself, admitting this flaw to  your child will show empathy for his situation and will help you work together to tackle the job.

取而代之是理解，说，“我知道在你还在玩的时候要收拾是很难的。我理解你的感受。”

如果你自己也会有一点觉得‘收拾麻烦’，跟孩子承认这个缺点，告诉他你理解他的处境会帮助你一起解决问题。

4) Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you clean up, I’ll buy you some more toys.”

Bribing your child doesn’t teach him the skill you want him to learn, and it doesn’t help him develop a healthy attitude toward organization and tidiness. Instead, it teaches him that his cooperation is for sale, and he an hold out for the highest price.

不要贿赂，不要说，‘如果你收拾好，我就给你买新玩具“

贿赂孩子并没有教会他你希望他学的技巧。也没有帮助他培养一种整洁有序的良好态度。相反，贿赂教会他合作是可以买卖的，他就会把’合作‘抬成最高价。

Instead, make a deal. Say, “When we get all your toys picked up and put away, then we can play a game together.”

Use Grandma’s Rule to teach your child that meeting your agenda helps him meet his agenda.

取而代之是协议法，说，“我们收拾好玩具后，我们就可以一起玩游戏了。”

采用祖母规则教会孩子要做他想做的事，就必须先完成你的事情。


33.        “ Please get out of the bathtub.”    “No! I don’t wanna get out of the tub.”
请从浴盆里出来。              不，我不想出来。

Helpful Hints:  * Set limits for tub time, and use a timer to enforce the limits.

几个有用的提示： × 定下盆浴时间并且用定时器来约束。
Start the bathtub routine early to avoid having to rush your child’s fun. 早点开始，让孩子多享受盆浴的乐趣。
Never leave toddlers and preschoolers alone in the bathtub, even for a few seconds. 永远不要单独把孩子留在浴盆里，哪怕只是几秒钟。

Set your water heater at 120oF (or lower) to prevent the bath water from acalding your child.
把热水加热器的温度调到120华氏一下以防热水烫伤孩子。

1) Don’t threaten. Don’t Say, “Get out of the tub NOW before I smack you on your bare bottom.”  Don’t threaten to hurt your child! Doing so might get immediate results, but the pain—emotional and physical—is too high a price to pay.

1) 不要威胁，不要说， “现在就起来不然我就打你的屁股。”

不要威胁伤害你的孩子。这样做可能会立即有效果，但是，精神和肉体的痛苦的代价太大了！

Instead, use a timer. Say, “When the timer rings, it will be time to get out and dry off so we can have a story before bed.”        Use a timer to manage the situation, and provide an incentive (such as a story) to motivate your child’s cooperation. This allows her to look beyond her desire to stay in the tub.

相反，可以用定时器，说，“当定时器铃响时，就是你要起来擦干的时间了。这样，我们还可以在睡觉前讲个故事。

2) Don’t minimize your child’s feeling. Don’t say, “I have better things to do, so you need to get out of the tub now.”        Telling your child that you have more important things to do will make her feel unwanted and unworthy of your attention. Instead of cooperation, she’ll do everything she can to resist your request so she can finally get your attention.

2) 不要忽视孩子的情感，不要说，”我还有更要紧的是做，你现在要赶快起来离开浴盆！”

和你的孩子说，你还有更重要的事情做，会让他觉得他不值得你的注意。这样，他不会合作，反而，会做出任何事情反抗你来引起你的注意。

Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “What’s the rule about staying in the tub?”      Referring to the rule helps your child develop the self-discipline she’ll need throughout her lifetime. It also puts you in a supportive rather than controlling role.

相反，提醒他规则， 说，“呆在浴盆里规则是什么？”    引用规则能帮你的孩子更自律，自我约束在一生中都很需要！这也把你放在支持孩子，而不是控制孩子的角色上。


3) Don’t get angry. Don’t say, “I’m getting angry, so you’d better get out of the tub before I lose my temper.”      Getting angry won’t teach your child to cooperate, and it won’t model the self-control you want her to develop. It will do just the opposite: teach her to throw a tantrum in order to get her way.

3) 不要生气，不是说，“我要生气了，你最好在我发脾气前离开浴盆！”

你生气并不能让你的孩子合作，而且你也没有作到自我控制的模范。相反，为了让他离开，你教会他乱发脾气。


Instead, give consequences. Say, “I’m sorry you spent too much time in the tub. Now we don’t have time for your snack or story.”

Allow your child to suffer the consequences of failing to meet her goals. Doing so teaches her that her behavior has consequences—both positive and negative. It also gives her experience in coping with life’s little disappointments.

相反，你可以指明结果，说，“很抱歉，你在浴盆里花了太多的时间，我们现在没有时间吃小点心或听故事了。”

让你的孩子体会不完成目的的后果。这样做，告诉孩子他的行为是有后果的，包括好的后果和坏的后果。也教会孩子去体验生活中小小的失望。
4) Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you get out of the tub now, I’ll give you some candy.”

Bribing your child with candy will leave a bad taste in your mouth! It will make that treat very important to her and will teach her that she can put a price on her cooperation.

4)
不要贿赂，不要说，“如果你现在离开浴盆，我就个给你糖果。”

用糖果贿赂孩子会让你品尝到不好的滋味。这样做会让孩子觉得犒劳是很重要的，还教会孩子给‘合作’标价！

Instead, make a deal. Say, “When you’ve gotten out of the tub and are dry and in your pajamas, we can read a story before you go to bed.”

Grandma’s Rule helps your child develop self-control and the ability to delay gratification. These skills will help her cope with the necessary and sometimes unpleasant tasks of life.
相反，给出约定， 说，‘当你离开浴盆，擦干并穿好睡衣，我们在睡觉前就可以讲个故事。”

祖母规则帮助孩子自律，和延迟欲望。这些品质都会帮助他处理生活中必须做的，有些还是不想做的事情。


34. “ Please Brush your teeth.”          “No! I don’t wanna brush my teeth.!”
请刷牙。          ‘不，我不想刷牙！”

Helpful Hints: *: Whenever possible, brush your teeth with your child so he can see how it’s done and be motivated to do the same.

友情提示： × 尽可能和你的孩子一起刷牙，这样，他能看得到怎么刷，也能促使他和你做一样的事。

Find a kid-friendly dentist who supports your efforts to encourage good dental hygiene. If possible, interview a couple of dentists to learn how they work with your children.
找一个好的儿科牙医帮助你鼓励支持良好的牙齿卫生。如有可能，和一两个牙医见面学习了解关于口腔卫生如何和孩子打交道。

1) Don’t get angry. Don’t say, “I’m sick and tired of your not wanting to brush your teeth. Now get in there and don’t come out till you’ve finished. ”

Demanding cooperation sets up battle lines with your child; it doesn’t show him how to be more cooperative. Forcing the issue will only result in greater resistance. Make peace, not war!

1) 不要生气，不要说，“我烦透了，每次你都不想刷牙。现在，进去刷牙，不刷完不准出来！”

强迫合作会导致你和孩子之间的斗争。这不没有教会孩子如何更合作。这种强迫只会导致更大的抵抗。我们要和平解决问题，而不是引发战争！

Instead, give choices. Say, “I understand that you don’t like to brush your teeth, but it’s very important to keep them clean and healthy. Do you want me to help you brush, or do you want to do it yourself.

Taking a helpful, supportive approach can soften your child’s resistance. Working together can meet his agenda (having some control) and yours (getting his teeth brushed).

相反，给出选择， 说， “我理解你不想刷牙。但是，保持牙齿的清洁和健康是十分重要的！你是想让我帮你刷，还是你自己刷呢？”

给出个有帮助的，支持的建议可以软化孩子抵触的情绪。一起刷牙也可以同时完成孩子的目的（自己有一些控制）和你的目的（让他刷牙）。

2) Don’t use putdown. Don’t say, “You’ve so pigheaded. I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

Labeling your child equates his behavior with who he is, contributing to a negative self-image. Make sure to separate your child from his behavior, so he understands that he may behave in undesirable ways at times, but that he can change his behavior. Make sure your child knows that he’s always lovable and wonderful even when his behavior is not.

不要放弃，不要说，“你这个猪头，我都不知道该对你怎样办了。”

给你的孩子定性，把他这个人和他的行为划等号，这给他一个负面的自我画像。 一定要区分开孩子本人和他的行为。确保你的孩子知道他本人总是可爱和重要的，即使当他的行为不好时。

Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Tell me what you don’t like about brushing. I’d like to help if I can.”

Asking your child for his opinion validates him as a person and gives you information that may solve the problem.

相反，引出反馈，说，“告诉我你为什么不喜欢刷牙。看看我能不能帮你。”

咨询你孩子的意见能证实孩子是个‘人’，也能给你一些可能解决问题的信息。

3) Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “if you brush your teeth, I’ll let you have some soda pop.”

Offering your child a reward for doing what you ask sends him the message that cooperation is all about the reward, not about teamwork. Besides, giving a sugary snack or drink defeats the purpose of brushing.
不要贿赂，不要说，‘如果你刷牙，我就给你喝可乐。”

因为孩子所作的事 给他奖励相当于告诉他，合作就是为了奖励，而不是‘团队精神’。而且，给甜的点心和饮料也让刷牙失去意义。

Instead, make a deal. Say, “When your teeth are clean, then we can read some bedtime stories.”

Grandma’s Rule teaches your child that in order to do what he wants, he must fist accomplish the required task. This important lesson also teaches him the goal of cooperation: a win-win result.

相反，给出协议， 说，“如果你的牙齿清洁后，我们就可以看些睡觉前的故事书了。”

祖母规则告诉孩子，要想得到他想要的，就要先完成所要求的任务。这也教会他合作的重要一课，双赢结果！


35. “It’s time to get your hair but.”  “No! I don’t wanna get my hair cut.”
"该理发了。”          “不， 我不想理发！”

Helpful hints: * Play hairstylist at home to give your child some practice in getting her hair cut.

友情提示： ×你在家里当理发师，让孩子有些理发的演习。

Talk about the fun parts of getting a haircut, such as the buzzing razor tickling her neck or how good it feels to have her scalp massaged.
和孩子谈谈理发的有趣的事，例如，嗡嗡叫的刮胡刀搔痒他的脖子，或者，他的头皮被按摩时是多么的舒服。

* Make sure the person cutting your child’s hair is experienced, patient, and nurturing.
确保剪你孩子头发的人是有经验，耐心和教养的。

Stay by your child’s side during the haircut to help her feel safe.
在你的孩子理发时，在他身边，让他感到安全。

1) Don’t demand. Don’t say, “What do you mean you don’t want a haircut? Now just shut up and get in the chair!”

1) 不要强求， 不要说，“你说不想剪头是什么意思？闭嘴，现在坐在这个椅子上！”
You lack of empathy for your child’s feelings will diminish her ability to identify her emotions and deal with them. In addition, it will make her lose respect for you, which will increase her desire to rebel.

你对你孩子的感受缺乏同情理解，会伤害他对自己感受的认识能力和处理的能力。还有，这也会让孩子失去对你的尊重，加重他反抗的欲望。

Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Tell me how you feel inside when your hair is getting cut.” Asking your child to describe her feelings will affirm her as a person and tell her that you care about her. Always teach your child that her feelings matter, instead of immediately assuming that her fears are “strange” or “wrong.” You may not like that fact that she’s afraid, or you may want to dismiss her feelings because they’re blocking your agenda, but empathizing with her will mean she’ll rebel less.

相反，引出反馈，说，“告诉我，当你剪头时，你心里是怎么想的。”要求你孩子描述他的感受， 会加强他对自己作为‘人’的意识，并让他意识他你关心他。你要一直告诉孩子，他的感受很重要， 而不是立刻认定他的害怕是‘奇怪’和‘错误’的。你可能不喜欢他害怕这个事实，或者，你因为孩子（的所为）影响了你的安排而想忽略孩子的感受，但是，同情理解孩子意味着孩子会有更少的反抗。

2) Don’t shame. Don’t say, “You embarrass me when you make a fuss at the stylist’s.”

Never tell your child that she embarrasses you. Dong so will only increase her fears, and it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

不要羞辱，不要说，“你在理发店力吵闹让我难堪。” 永远不要告诉孩子他使你难堪。这么做，只会增加他的害怕，而且，还可能不幸成为预言。

Instead, be positive. Say, “I’m sorry you don’t like getting a haircut. Let’s think of ways you can have fun while your hair is getting cut.”

Teach your child to develop the attitude that every challenge is an opportunity to find solutions. Encourage her to play a game with you while she’s getting her hair cut (“I spy,” for example).

相反，要乐观，说，“很遗憾你不喜欢剪头。让我们想一些法子，在你剪头同时，你还能开心得玩。”

教会孩子这种态度：每一个挑战，都是寻求解决法案的机会。鼓励他在剪头同时和你一起玩游戏。（例如，‘我来找’的游戏）。

3) Don’t name-call. Don’t say, “What do you mean you’re afraid? Why are you such a wimp?” How would you like it if someone said this to you? Humiliating your child will only increase her fears and will teach her to make fun of others when they’re afraid. You want to avoid these outcomes at all costs.

不要骂人，不要说，“你说你害怕是什么意思？为什么你是这样一个软弱无能的人？”

如果别人对你这样说，你会喜欢吗？羞辱孩子只会增加他的恐慌，还教会他在别人害怕是嘲笑别人。而这些后果，是你不管花多少代价，都想避免的。
Instead, affirm your child’s feelings. Say, “I understand that you’re feeling afraid when you’re getting your hair cut, but I know you’re brave and strong and can handle it. ”

Affirming your child’s bravery will help her become more confident and resilient.
相反，肯定孩子的感受，说，“我理解别人剪你的头发时你的害怕的感受。但是，我知道你很勇敢和坚强，能处理好的。”

肯定孩子的勇敢会帮助他更自信和愉快有弹性。


36.  “Let’s change your diaper.”   “No! I don’t wanna get my diaper changed!”

Helpful hints: * Monitor diaper rash and other physical problems that might make diaper changing painful for your child. Treat the problem immediately or consult your physician.

Entertain your child with songs and nursery rhymes during changing, or give him a special toy to play with.

1) Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Stop wiggling and yelling or I’ll smack your bare bottom!” When you’re frustrated and angry, these kinds of threats may seem like good ways to gain your child’s cooperation. However, they simply increase your child’s fears, making him scream more or freeze up to avoid making you mad. Neither teaches him to do what you ask.


Instead, empathize. Say, “I know you don’t want to get changed now, but we have to. Let’s do it quickly so you can get back to your toys.”

Gently helping your child focus on the fun that’s coming can encourage him to cooperate. In addition, making diaper changing a fun experience will help reduce his resistance. Frame the situation as an opportunity to cuddle, tickle, and love your child—not hurt him.


2) Don’t get angry. Don’t say, “You’re making me mad. Now hold still so I can change you.” Your child isn’t responsible for your anger. You are! Getting mad won’t teach him to cooperate; it will only increase his resistance.


Instead, empathize. Say, “I’m sorry you don’t want to get your diaper change, but we have to do it because it’s important to keep your bottom clean.”

Stick to your agenda while empathizing with your child’s feelings. Doing so models compassion and responsibility. Your child will trust you when you tell him how good it feels to be clean and dry, and he’ll believe you when your explanation proves true.


3) Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “I’ll give you a cookie if you let me change you.” Bribing your child will teach him that he should get a reward for cooperating.


Instead, making a deal. Say, “When we’re finished changing your diaper, then we can go to the park.” Both of you can meet y our agendas when you follow Grandma’s Rule, which teaches your child to meet his obligations before doing fun activities. Making a deal with your child is your ticket to a win-win relationship.


4) Don’t give up. Don’t say, “Fine. I’m going to fight with you. I won’t change you until your bottom is score. Then, you’ll be sorry.”

Never threaten dire consequences to motivate your toddler to cooperate. Giving up not only teaches him to fold in the face of resistance, it tells him you don’t care enough about him to help him avoid the pain of diaper rash.


Instead, teach the lesson. Say, “Letting me change you now will keep you r bottom from getting sore.” Help your child understand the consequences of diaper changing. Explain the benefits of being clean and dry so he knows you have his best interests in mind and that you’re not arbitrarily taking him away from his play, Treat him as you would want to be treated.


37.  “Please wash your hands.”   “No! I don’t wanna wash my hands!”

Helpful Hints * Make rules about when and how often your child must wash her hands.

Put a step stool in every bathroom in your home so your child can reach the sink safely without your help.
Make sure your water heater is set no higher than 120oF to prevent the water from scalding your child’s hand.
Model good hand-washing habits and comment on the importance of staying clean and healthy.
Supervise your child’s hand washing to ensure she’s using the soap and water properly. Don’t forget to praise her for a job well done.
Avoid frightening your child wit tales of dangerous bugs or germs living on her skin.

1) Don’t’ whine. Don’t say, “I asked you nicely six times. Now get in there and do it!”

Remember that your child may need a few reminders before she gets the job done. Complaining about that fact will only encourage her to tune you out completely.


Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “What’s the rule about washing hands when you go to the bathroom?” Asking your child to tell you the rule reminds her of what to do and reinforces the habit. Eventually your reminders will disappear as the behavior becomes automatic.


2) Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you can’t cooperate and wash your hands, you’ll have to sit in time-out.” Putting your child in time-out for refusing to wash her hands will make hand washing even less appealing and won’t teach her to enjoy this important habit. In addition, she won’t learn to wash her hands while sitting in time-out.


Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “Thank you for going in the bathroom to wash your hands. I’ll help you turn on the faucet if you want.” Praising your child’s progress will remind her of the goal and will encourage her to see it through to completion.


3) Don’t give up. Don’t say, “I don’t care if you don’t wash your hands, but you’ll be sorry when you get sick.”

Your lack of caring sends your child a hurtful message and doesn’t help her understand the connection between hand washing and illness. Withholding you love may motivate her to comply in the short term, but it won’t teach her the long-term value of cooperation. Your child needs to know that your love is unconditional.


Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “I understand that it may be frustrating to wash hands when you’re really hungry, but the rule says we need to do that before eating.”

Stick to the rule while modeling empathy and persistence. Your child will pick up on the lessons from this teachable moment.


38. “It’s time to cut your nails.”            “No! I don’t want you to cut my nails!”

"该剪你的指甲了。”　　　　　　　　　　　　　　“不，我不想要你剪我的指甲！”

Helpful hints: * Choose a time for nail trimming that doesn’t interrupt our child’s favorite activity, such as after a bath or before bed.

友情提示：　×　剪指甲时间的选择在不会打断孩子的活动时候，例如，洗澡后或上床前。

Avoid trying to trim your child’s nails when he’s tired or hungry. It’ll be harder for him to sit then, which will increase the chances of an accidental ‘owie.”
×不要在孩子累或饿的时候去剪他的指甲。在那时候让孩子坐稳是很难的，还会提高发生‘哦哎呀’事故的机录。

１）　Don’t be aggressive. Don’t say, “I’m going to cut your nails whether you like it or not. Now hold still.”  This kind of dictatorial parenting hurts everyone involved. Chances are your child will resist even more if you try to hold him down.

１）不要太侵略，不要说，“不管你喜不喜欢，我都要给你剪指甲了。现在，坐好，不要动。”

这种说教式的父母教养方法会伤害每个人。很有可能的结果就是在你让孩子坐好不动时，孩子反抗拒绝得更厉害。

Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Help me understand why you don’t want to have your nails trimmed.”

Asking your child why he’s resisting will no only help you understand his thinking, it will validate him as a person. Both consequences will encourage his cooperation. When you find out what’s bothering him, you’ll have a better chance of fixing the problem and getting the job done.

相反，引出反馈，说，“能让我知道你为什么不想让我给你剪指甲吗？”

问你的孩子，他问什么不愿意做，不仅帮你了解他的想法，还让孩子证实自己作为‘人’的意识。

这二种都和会让孩子更合作。当你找出困恼孩子的原因，你解决问题和完成工作的可能性就更大。

２）Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t let me cut your nails, you’ll have to spend the rest of the day in your room.” Threatening to isolate your child won’t teach him to do what he needs to do. It will only hurt your relationship and teach him that he’ll be punished for not doing what you ask. When he doesn’t cooperate, he needs you to teach him how to complete the task and motivate him to follow your direction.

２）　不要威胁，不要说，“如果你不让我给你剪指甲，你今天必须就呆在你的房间过一天。”

威胁隔离孩子，不会教会他去作他需要做的事。威胁只会伤害你和孩子之间的关心，教会他如果他没有照你说的去做，他就会受到惩罚。当他不合作时候，他需要你教会他如何完成任务，和刺激他去按你的指示做。

Instead, play a game. Say, “Let’s play the manicure game. I’ll get the table ready so we can trim your nails.” Making a game out of cutting y our child’s nails will make the task fun. You can accomplish anything with your child when you love and laugh together through the experience.

相反，游戏法，说，“让我们玩修指甲的游戏。我将会把桌子准备好，这样，我们就可以修剪你的指甲了。”

和孩子玩修剪指甲的游戏会让整个任务更有趣。你可以在和孩子一起关爱和欢笑的经历中完成任何事。

３）Don’t use fear. Don’t say, “If you don’t let me cut your nails, they’ll get long and scratch somebody, and then you’ll be in big trouble.”

３）不要恐吓。不要说，“如果你不让我给你剪指甲，指甲会长长，长指甲会刮伤别人，那时，你就麻烦了。”

Threatening your child with adverse social consequences may frighten him into doing what you ask, but it won’t teach him the proper reason for cooperation.

用负面的社交后果威胁孩子，可能会让孩子害怕而照你要求得去做，但，这并没有给孩子合作的正确的理由。

Instead, empathize. Say, “It’s importance to keep our nails trimmed so we don’t accidentally scratch someone. We don’t want that to happen.”

Appeal to your child’s innate empathy to help him understand the importance of keeping his nails trimmed for his own safety as well as the safety of others.


相反，理解法，说，“修剪指甲是很重要的，这样，我们就不会刮伤别人，我们可不想这种意外发生。”

引发孩子内在的理解同情去帮他明白，修剪指甲对于他自身和别人的安全的重要性


39. “Let’s Wash your hair.”      “No! I don’t wanna get my hair washed.”

Helpful hints: * Wash your child’s hair before she hits the “too tired” mark, and do it first thing when she gets in the tub so you can get it out of the way.

Let your child pick out her shampoo (within limits) so she can have some control over the situation.
Encourage her to hold a towel or washcloth over her eyes and ears to prevent eater and soap from getting in.
Allow her t o rinse her hair with the shower wand or rinsing bucket so she can take an active role in the process.

1) Don’t be disrespectful. Don’t say, “I don’t care if you’re afraid of the soap and water. That’s just too bad.” Even though you may be determined to wash your child’s hair even if she protests, don’t use this type of language. Your lack of empathy tells her that you won’t support her when she’s upset or afraid.


Instead, be helpful, Say, “I understand that you don’t like shampooing, but we have to get your hair clean. I’ll be gentle and try to keep it from getting in your eyes.


2) Don’t discount her feelings. Don’t say,
“What are you crying about? Don’t be so silly. I’m just going to shampoo your hair.”

Your child may believe she’s about to be hurt, so telling her that she’s being silly discounts her feelings and increases her resistance. It also tells her that your love depends on her doing what you want her to do, another hurtful message that will damage your relationship and her motivation to cooperation.


Instead, offer solutions. Say, “I understand that you’re afraid of getting soap in your eyes. Hold this washcloth over your eyes so the shampoo won’t get in.

Tell your child that you understand her fears and that you’ll protect her from harm—then make sure to follow through.


3) Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you let me shampoo your hair, I’ll give you a sucker.”

Bribing your child teaches her to expect a reward for cooperating, rather than teaching her the value of cooperation. Bribing may rather than teaching her the value of cooperation. Bribing may produce short-term results, but it doesn’t build long-term habits or help your child develop cooperative behaviors.


Instead, use Grandma’s Rule. Say, “When I’ve finished shampooing your hair, then you may play with your tub toys for a while.”

Grandma’s Rule teaches your child that work comes before play, and that accepting responsibilities makes everyone happy.


40. “You need to wipe your nose.”         “NO! I don’t wanna wipe my nose.”


Helpful tints: * Make sure you have the softest tissues available.

Keep tissues in handy locations so your child can learn to help himself when he need more.
Model how to blow your nose properly so he can learn how to do it.

1)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, “Your nose is disgusting. Now get a tissue and wipe it.”

Don’t tell your child that his nose disgusts you, even if it does. It’s important to keep negative opinions to yourself to avoid hurting his feelings. Using putdowns only models bad behavior and doesn’t accomplish the goal.


Instead, empathize. Say, “I understand that you don’t want to wipe your nose. But when it runs, you can spread germs and make your lip sore.”

There’s no reason to have a power struggle. Just keep a box of tissues handy, continue to help your child wipe or blow his nose, and pour on the TLC. Everyone will feel better.


2) Don’t nag. Don’t say, “How many times do I have to tell you to wipe your nose? No get in there and do it!”

Although frustration may tempt you to ask your child this unanswerable question, don’t do it. It will only send him the unkind message that he’s a burden to you; it won’t teach him to cooperation.


Instead, teach the skill, Say, “Let me show you how to blow our nose gently so it doesn’t get redder and more irritated.”

Focus on the solution, not the problem. Your offer to be careful and your awareness of your child’s sore nose let him know that you care about his feelings.


2)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If I have to come over there and wipe your nose, you’ll be sorry.”

Don’t threaten your child to get him to take care of himself. You’ll only tempt him to call your bluff, which will force you to follow through with a negative consequence. Getting your attention—positive or negative—is the prize he covets most, so don’t tempt him to avoid cooperation just to get your attention.


Instead, make a deal, Say, “When you wipe your nose, then you can go back to playing.”

Children don’t want to be interrupted when they’re playing, so promise your child that he can meet his agenda after he’s meet yours.


3)      Don’t use fear. Don’t say, “Nobody will like you if you have a runny nose.”

Don’t tell your child lies to shock him into cooperation. Doing so teaches him to exaggerate to get someone’s attention. Threatening him with social isolation won’t motivate him to practice good hygiene.


Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “Thank you for getting a tissue. Your nose will feel much better when it’s wiped.”

Praising your child for any cooperation encourages him to continue the behavior. Positive attention will make him feel proud of his accomplishment.



41. “Let’s Fix your hair.”           “No! I don’t want you to fix my hair!”


Helpful hints: * make a rule that your child’s hair needs to be brushed or combed every day.

Allow ample time to fix your child’s hair so you can avoid hurrying.
Select combs and brushes that are easy to use.
Let your child participate in decisions about her hairstyle.

1)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “I can’t wait for you to have a daughter who makes a fuss about hair like you do.”

Dire predictions won’t teach your child to cooperative; rather, they’ll send  her the unhealthy message that her actions must always please you.


Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “The rule says that your hair needs to be fixed before you go to your dad’s.”

Using the rule as the enforcer lets your child focus on the rule, not you.


2)      Don’t make it personal. Don’t say, “I guess I can’t do anything right.”

Your child’s refusal to cooperate isn’t a statement about your parenting or hairstyling skills. It simply means that she wants some say in how her hair is done.


Instead, make it a game. Say, “Let’s play beauty shop. You fix y hair, and I’ll fix yours.”

Making hair grooming a fun game will reduce conflict and let your child actively participate in both the decision making and hairstyling.


3)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “Fine! Wear that stupid barrette. I don’t care if you look silly.”

Don’t give up on trying tohelp your child improve her grooming habits. Giving up tells her that it’s okay to quit when things don’t go your way.


Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “Thanks for sitting so still while I fix your hair.”

Praising your child’s compliance encourages her to cooperate more in the future. Nothing motivates your child more than your approval and support.


4)      Don’t use anger. Don’t say, “Stop yelling!  You’re really making me mad!”

Telling your child that her resistance is responsible for your anger diminishes her ability to empathize with others. She won’t understand your position because she’ll naturally try to defend herself by blaming you for hurting her in the first place. Remember, you control whether or not you get angry.


Instead, make a deal, Say, “When we’ve finished brushing your hair, then you may play with your toys.”


This use of Grandma’s Rule teaches your child that she must do what’s necessary before she gets to do what she wants. It also teaches her that cooperation is a win-win proposition. You both feel good when your agendas are met, a lesson she’ll find useful throughout her life.


Section VII---------Education

The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes. – William James


42.        “It’s time to go to preschool.”  “No! I don’t wanna go to preschool!”


Helpful tints: * Before enrolling your child in a preschool, take him for a visit to ensure a good fit. Interview the director and teachers, discuss the educational philosophy, and observe a class.

Let your child spend some time away from you, even for short periods, so he’ll get used to not being with you all the time.
Stay in close contact with your child’s teachers so you can deal with minor problems before they become serious.
Talk about getting to go to preschool, rather than having to go.
Making rules so your child understands which days he goes to school and which days he stays home.

1)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, “What do you mean you don’t want to go to school? I paid good money so you could go!”

Shaming your child into compliance by reminding him of your sacrifice won’t resolve what’s bothering him. Instead, it will create resentment toward you.


Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Help me understand why you don’t want to go to preschool.”

Asking your child to explain his fears not only tells him you care about him, it helps you identify the problem and solve it.


2)      Don’t demand. Don’t say, “you’re going to preschool whether you like it or not. Now get yourself ready.”

Demanding that your child comply is bound to fail because it assumes you can control his behavior. You can’t. Your refusal to empathize tells him you don’t care about his feelings.


Instead, shift the focus. Say, “Think about all the fun you’ll have at preschool. You’ll miss that if you don’t go.”

Helping your child focus on the future fun will make the immediate problem seem less significant. Shifting his focus will help him see the situation in a new light.


3)      Don’t give in. Don’t say, “Okay, stay home. I don’t care if you ever go to school.”

Telling your child that you don’t care about him or his education will teach him no to care and to give up when faced with adversity. You may think that giving in will help him be happy, but what he really needs is to resolve his fears about going to school.


Instead, be positive. Say, “We’re all going to our jobs today. I’m going to mine and you’re going to yours at preschool. We’ll see each other after work.”


Putting a positive spin on your time apart can help you both cope with separation more easily. Your child will pick up on your empathy and team approach, which will help him understand that you have something in common—the important responsibility of doing your jobs.


4)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you go to school today. I’ll get you a new toy to play with when you get home.”


Bribing your child tells him that he should expect a material reward for doing what you ask. The reward of fn with friends and a caring teacher should be all the motivation he needs.


Instead, make a deal. Say, “I know you want to play with puzzles this morning. When you go to preschool, then you can ask you teach if you can play with puzzles.”


Use Grandma’s Rule to motivate your child and remind him that when he does what he has to do, then he gets to do what he want to do(within limits, of course).


5)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “if you don’t go to preschool, you’ll grow up to be stupid.”

This hurtful prediction will actually increase your child’s anxiety about going to school.


Instead, remind him about the rule. Say, “I understand that you don’t want to go to preschool, but the rule says that you go on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Today is Wednesday, so let’s get ready.”

By lovingly invoking the rule, you’re telling your child that you care about him even when the rule tells him to do something he doesn’t like.


43. “You’re going to a new preschool.”      “NO! I don’t wanna go to a new preschool.”


Helpful Hints: * Emphasize the positive aspects of the new school, such as a larger playground, more kids her age, closer to home, and so on.


Before changing schools, visit the new school with your child to show her the environment and to warn her that change is imminent.

1)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “You know we can’t afford to send you to your old school, so you have to go to this one.”

Avoid telling your child that her needs are too expensive. Doing so makes her responsible for a situation that’s beyond her control. In addition, your lack of empathy tells her that you don’t care about her feelings.


Instead, praise cooperative behavior. Say, “I know it’s hard to make a change, but you’re brave and strong and I know you can do it!

Affirming your child’s bravery can help him gain the strength he needs to cope with change. Your words can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.


2)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say,

“If you’ll go to your new school without complaining, I’ll buy you a new bike.”

Bribing your child teaches her that she can get a reward for doing something she doesn’t want to do.


Instead, make a deal, say, “After you go to school, then we can have a friend over to play.”

Grandma’s Rule helps your child focus on the positive consequence of following your directions, and teaches her to make care of her responsibilities before following her agenda.


3)      Don’t blame, don’t say, “I don’t care what you want. Your dad isn’t paying enough child support for you to stay in your old preschool.”

Don’t dismiss your child’s feelings and blame your ex for having to changing preschools. Doing so will teach your child that her feelings don’t matter. It will also test her loyalty to each parent and increase the tension between you and your ex.


Instead, be proactive, say. “I know you don’t want to go to a new school, but this one is closer to my job and I can have lunch with you once in a while.”

Helping your child focus on the benefits of changing schools will teach her to tolerate frustration and be flexible.


4)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “I know you’re shy and have trouble making friends, but you still have to go to the new school.”

Telling your child she’s shy makes her problem permanent. Her behavior doesn’t define her; it can always change.


Instead, be supportive. Say, “We’re going to visit your new school today. I think you’ll really like it and make friends there.”

Provide emotional support for your child and affirm her ability to make friends while she investigates a new school. Your positive attitude will help her accept that change is a normal part of life.

Section VII   Education

第七部分：教育篇

44. “Please listen to your teach.”   “No! I don’t wanna listen to my teacher.”



Helpful hints: * Stress to your child the importance of showing respect to teachers and others.

Tell your child how much you appreciated your teachers when you were in school.
Treat your child with the respect you expect him to show his teachers.
Model empathy, kindness, caring, and courtesy.


1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Every time your teacher tells me you aren’t listening or following directions, you’re going to get a spanking!”

Threatening to hurt your child will make him fear you and his teachers. It won’t help him learn to cooperate.



Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Tell me about listening and following direction in school. I want to know what makes it so hard to do.”

Ask your child to tell you about his views on certain tasks, but avoid the confrontational why. His response will give you insight into his behavior and will help you find ways to solve the problem.



2)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? I thought you were smart enough to listen.”

Don’t tell your child that something is wrong with him because he doesn’t choose to listen or follow directions in school. Doing so won’t help him learn how to do those tasks and will encourage him to feel bad about himself.



Instead, offer support, say, “It’s important to listen to your teacher. Let’s talk about ways you can do that.”

Letting your child help solve the problem validates him and makes him part of the solution. It also focuses attention on the goal, not on his unwillingness to cooperate.



3)      Don’t shame, don’t say, “I’m so ashamed of you. I’ve told you time and again to listen to your teacher, but you just don’t get it.”

Trying to motivate your child by shaming him tells him that your love is conditional. If he learns to do tasks only to avoid shame, fear and anxiety will motivate him, which can cause depression and lack of confidence.



Instead, reinforce teamwork, say, “I’m going to meet with your teacher today so we can find ways to help you listen and follow directions in school.”



Working with your child’s teacher will help you discover whether your child can’t hear, is bored, or fears failure. When you find the underlying problem, you can take steps to help your child. Telling him that you want to be on his team sends him the message that you care about him.





45.       “Today you’ll be in the little kids’ room.”          “NO! I don’t wanna be in the little kids’ room.”



Helpful tints: * Enlist your child’s preschool teacher in helping her adjust to her room assignment.

Make sure her activities are stimulating and appropriate for her ability.




1)      Don’t discount. Don’t say, “I don’t care if you don’t like the little kids’ room. You’re stuck there, so just deal with it.”

Your lack of empathy tells your child that she can’t expert any support from you. Without your support, her isolation can lead her to feel unwanted and unloved.



Instead, remind her about the rule, say, “I know you don’t like being in the room with the little kids, but the rule say that you have to stay there for a little while. Let’s think of fun things to do while you’re there.”



Empathize with your child’s plight while explaining the rule. When she sees that you respect her enough to take her concerns seriously, she’ll be motivated to cooperate.



2)      Don’t scold. Don’t say, “Stop your whining about the little kid’s room. I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

Dismissing your child’s concerns tells her that her feelings aren’t important. Although you may not be in the mood to listen to her complains, putting her down won’t solve the problem and will only increase her anger and resentment.



Instead, be proactive, say, “Tell me about the fun thing that happened in preschool today.”

When your child complains about her room assignment, help her focus on the positive aspects of preschool. Doing so tells her that complaining isn’t as much fun as thinking about the good things. What a healthy lesson!



3)      Don’t bribe, don’t say, “If you’ll stop complaining about being in the room with the little kids, I’ll buy you a new toy on the way home.”

Bribing your child will teach her that she’ll be rewarded if she bottles up her emotions. You want to teacher her the opposite lesson: that you’re always available when she needs to share her feelings, and that you want her to do so.



Instead, focus on the positives. Say, “Tell me about what you do with your friends at preschool.”



Help your child share good feelings about her room assignment to teach her to look for the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. Positive feelings have been shown to improve circulation, ease depression, and promote good health.



4)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “If you’re going to be such a crybaby about it, you belong with the little kids.”

Ouch! Calling your child name tells her you don’t care about her feelings. Take this hurtful, unproductive response out of your repertoire.



Instead, praise cooperative behavior, say, “It’s so grown-up of you to go to preschool, even when you don’t like being in the little kids’ room.”

Praising your child for coping will encourage her to manage her frustration. She wants to please you and will repeat positive behaviors to get your praise.



46. “It’s time to practice now.”         “No! I don’t wanna to practice!”



Helpful tints: * Establish a regular practice time so it becomes a routine.

Make sure your child has plenty of free time to choose his own activities.


1)      Don’t use fear. Don’t ay, “You’ll never get into a good kindergarten if you don’t practice your letters.”

Don’t use your child’s success or failure to determine your self-worth. Using fear to motivate him makes your happiness dependent on his performance. Your child may cooperate, but only to avoid disappointing you.



Instead, compliment your child, say, “You’re doing so well in your practice today. Doesn’t it feel good to work hard and accomplish something?”



Praising your child’s effort can help establish a lifelong habit of working hard to reach goals. Remember to praise his effort, not the outcome.



2)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “I thought you liked playing piano. Why don’t you want to practice”

Asking your child why he doesn’t want to do something backs him into a corner and makes him defensive as he tries to explain his behavior.



Instead, offer support. Say, “Let’s practice your scales. I’ll sit here with you to keep you company.”

Your presence and attention may provide all the motivation your child needs. He’ll learn that you value his lessons enough to take the time to sit with him.



3)      Don’t compare. Don’t say, “Your brother always practiced without fussing.”

Comparing y our child to his sibling will likely increase sibling rivalry. Your job is to help your children reach their potential, regardless of their sibling’s accomplishment.



Instead, remind him about the rule, say. “The clock says it’s time to practice. When the timer rings, practice will be over.”

Putting the timer in charge removes you from the role of enforcer and lets your child manage himself. In addition, it avoids the comparison to anyone else’s practice habits. 

Section viii          sleeping

第八部分：睡

47. “It’s time to get ready for bed.”            “No! I don’t wanna go to bed.”



Helpful hints: * Make a rule that establishes the time when your child needs to put on her pajamas. Give her a few minutes’ advance warning.

Use a timer to govern each step of the bedtime routine.
Engage in quiet, calming activities as bedtime approaches (reading stories, getting a back rub, saying prayers, and so on).
You may want to designate clothing that’s worn only for sleeping, so putting it on reminds your child that bedtime is coming soon.


1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Are you deaf? You’d better get those pj’s on before I swat your bottom!

Threatening to hurt your child teaches her that threatening violence can help people get what they want. You don’t wan her to use violence, so don’t model it for her.



Instead, ask her opinion, say, “Tell me what you don’t like about getting your pj’s on.”

Asking your child to share her thoughts teaches her that you care about them and gives her practice at expressing them. After she tells you what she thinks, you can focus on solving the problem instead of nagging and whining about her behavior.



2) Don’t use fear. Don’t say, “I’ve had a bad day, so don’t mess with me. Just get in there and put your pajamas on.”

Don’t tell your child that she needs to monitor your mood to avoid confrontation. Remember, events are neutral; they become “good” or “bad” based on what you think about them. You don’t have to allow a tough day at the office to contaminate your behavior toward your child.



Instead, remind her about the rule, say, “I understand that you don’t want to get your pj’s on, but the rule says we have to have them on by seven o’clock.”

We all live by rules: traffic rules, school rules, job rules—and bedtime rules. Teach your child that following the rules is a way of life. Deferring to the rules lets you be on your child’s side in a dispute.



3)      Don’t punish. Don’t say, “You don’t want to put your pj’s on? Okay, then you’re time-out. You can sit there until you’re ready to put your pj’s on.”

Using time-out defeats the purpose of getting your child into bed on time. In addition, it teaches her that she can delay bedtime by refusing to put on her pajamas.



Instead, use a timer, say, “You’re getting your clothes off so quickly. I’m sure you’ll beat the timer getter your pj’s on.”

Use a timer to set up a competition, and praise your child’s progress toward winning the race. Playing the game distracts your child from her rebellion and gets the job done.



48.  “It’s time to take a nap.”        “No. I don’t wanna take a nap!”



Helpful hints:  * Establish a nap-time routine and follow it consistently.

Make rules about nap time or resting time, and let a timer dictate the minimum time for naps or resting.
Choose quiet activities before nap time so your child can begin to settle down.


1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Get in there and go to sleep before I spank you!”

Your lack of empathy and threat of physical pain won’t help your child feel comfortable and relaxed enough to rest. In addition, he’ll learn that if you’re bigger and stronger, you can intimidate others to get your way.



Instead, remind him about the rule, Say, “I know you don’t want to go to sleep now. But the rule says you have to rest until the timer rings.”

Remind your child of the rule, and let the timer enforce it. This will help you avoid conflict and stay positive.



2)      Don’t use quilt. Don’t say, “I’m sick and tired of your whining about quiet time, just shut up and get in your room.”

Telling your child that he makes you sick and tired not only tells him that your love is conditional, it models bullying, a behavior you don’t want him to imitate.



Instead, make a deal, say, “When you’ve had your quiet time, then we can have your friend come over to play later t his afternoon.”

Use Grandma’s Rule to focus your child’s attention on the future fun after quiet time.



3)      Don’t nag, don’t’ say, “How many times do I have to tell you to take a nap?”

Nagging won’t accomplish what you want (your child’s cooperation), but it will produce an unfortunate side effect (teaching him to nag).



Instead, be positive, say, “isn’t it nice that we’re both going to have quiet time now? Then we can have lots of energy for the rest of the day.”
having a positive attitude and modeling rest time for your child help him see the benefit of following your directions.



48. “It’s time for you to sleep in a big bed.”        “No! I don’t wanna sleep in a big bed!”



Helpful Hints: * Make sure your child can sleep in a big bed without falling out. If necessary, place a temporary guardrail on the bed to protect her. Avoid putting her in an upper bunk bed until she’s at least six years old.



Encourage your child to bring a couple of “friends” in bed with her (stuffed animals, dolls, and so on) to help with the transition.
Buy some sheets in her favorite color or with her favorite cartoon character on them to make the change more attractive.


1)      Don’t demand. Don’t say, “Stop complaining about sleeping in a big bed. Your crib is gone, so get in there and go to sleep.”



Your lack of empathy will tell your child that she won’t get any emotional support from you. She may cooperate, but only out of fear of your rejection. She won’t learn to manage her fear of change.



Instead, remind her about the rule, say, “The rule says that when you’re two years old, you get to sleep in a big bed.”



Deferring to the rule makes it the villain, so you can remain an ally to your child. Telling her that she “gets” to sleep in a big bed instead of “having” to do so puts a positive spin on the situation and allows her to feel more in control of the decision.



2)      Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t say, “If you’ll sleep in your big bed, I’ll lie down with you until you fall asleep.”



With a “no limit: bribe like this, prepare to spend the next few years putting your child to sleep, because she’ll grow to depend on your presence in order to fall sleep.



Instead, use praise. Say, “I’m glad you’re being so brave about sleeping in a big bed. I’ll lie here with you until the timer rings and tells me I have to go sleep in my bed.”



Affirming your child’s bravery will help her warm up to her new arrangement. Letting the timer dictate how long you can stay will help her adjust to the change.





3)      Don’t reverse your decision. Don’t say, “I can’t stand hearing you cry, so I’ll get your baby bed back out so you can sleep in it.”



Reversing your decision teaches your child that crying is her ticket to getting her away. It also models a lack of persistence; you’re giving in because you’re frustrated, not because you’ve changed your mind.



Instead, reframe the situation, say, “Your new bed is big enough for me to lie here with you while we read books. Isn’t that nice?”



Focusing your child on the benefits of the new bed will help shift her attention away from the old one.





50. “I want you to sleep in your own bed.”      “No. I don’t wanna sleep in my own bed.”



Helpful hints: * Establish bedtime rules and routines so your child knows what to expect.

If you’ve been cosleeping with your child and have decided he needs to move into his own bed, explain the new rule and enforce it consistently.


1)      Don’t threaten, don’t say, “Stop that crying or I’ll give your something to cry about.”

Threatening your child with violence when he’s upset shuts down his ability to cope and increase his anger and resentment.



Instead, remind him about the rule. Say, “I know you want to sleep in my bed, but the rule says that we all sleep in our own beds.”



Letting the rule determine where everybody sleeps prevents conflict between you and your child and teaches him that it’s important to follow rules.



2)      Don’t’ bribe, don’t say, “If you sleep in your own bed, I’ll buy you that new toy you wanted.”

Don’t be tempted to bribe your child into submission. Bribing teaches your child that your agenda isn’t important enough for him to follow without a payoff.



Instead, make a deal, say, “When you stay in your bed at night, then we can enjoy breakfast together in the morning.”



Grandma’s Rule lets you negotiate something your child wants for some thing you want. This important lesson models a way to meet everyone’s agenda.



3)      Don’t give in. don’t say, “Okay, you’ve been crying long enough. You can come into my bed with me.”

Changing your rule because your child is crying is a dangerous habit for both you and your child. Decide ahead of time when you’ll need to respond. If you’re hearing a whining cry, you may decide to leave him alone. If you’re hearing a distressed cry, you may decide to go check on him.



Instead, shift the focus, say, “I know you feel lonesome sleeping in your room by yourself, but you have your teddy bear with you to keep you company. You can talk to him.”

Help your child focus on how he can manage by himself. Show him that you understand his need for companionship, but that he has the courage to handle sleeping on his own.



4)      Don’t blame, don’t say, “Just because your mother lets you sleep in her bed doesn’t mean you can sleep in here with me.”

Blaming the other parent for your child’s unwillingness to sleep in his own bed won’t teach him to take responsibility for his choices and wont’ help him learn to sleep alone.



Instead, teach flexibility. Say, “I know you get to sleep in Mommy’s bed when you’re at her house, but here you need to sleep in your own bed.”

Help your child learn that different places have different rules. This teaches him to adapt to difference environments and makes you his ally, not his enemy.

will pick up on your enthusiasm.

Section iV    Growing UP

第九部分：成长篇



51. “The baby is going to have your room.”      “NO. I don’t want the baby to have my room.”



Helpful hints: * consider your child’s personality to help gauge her reaction to the move. Does she “go with the flow” or does she have difficulty being flexible? This information will let you modify your approach when helping her cope with the change.



Talk about the arrival of the new baby positively so your child will look upon the new family member as a friend, not an enemy!


1)      Don’t be disrespectful. Don’t say, “I don’t care if you want to stay in your old room. You’ll just have to get used to the new one.”

Your lack of empathy tells y our child that you’re her enemy in this cris. No one wants to cooperate with the enemy.



Instead, redirect your child’s attention. Say, “I understand that you don’t want to leave this room, but your new room is so nice. Let’s look at all the good things about it.”

Talking about her new room’s benefits models viewing change with a positive attitude.



2)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you let the baby have your room, I’ll buy you that new headband you’ve been wanting.”

As a parent, it’s your job to establish rules; your preschooler’s job is to test them. When you offer a bribe, you tell your child that y our rule is meaningless: she doesn’t need to follow it until she gets something for dong so. Your child needs to learn to do a task because it’s the rule, not because she’ll get a prize for doing it.



Instead, make a deal. Say, “You’ve been asking to have your friend sleep over, so when you’ve moved into your new room, you can invite her. You can show her how nice your new room is.”

Grandma’s Rule lets y our child feel that she has some control over her life, which helps her at a time when she’s feeling displaced.



3)      Don’t use putdowns. Don’t say, “I’m not going to put up with your nonsense. Stop being such a baby.”

Being a baby is the role your two-year-old has had all her life, so it’s normal for her to resist when you fault her for playing it. In addition, she wont’ want to follow directions when you tell her that her heartfelt protests are nonsense.



Instead, be proactive. Say, ‘I need your help in getting your old room ready for the baby.  You’ll know how to make the baby feel good in this room because you liked it so well.”

Make your child part of the welcoming committee for the new baby. This will give her an important role in the transition and will help her focus on the positive ways she can relate to her new sibling, her new identity, and her new quarters.



4)      Don’t beg. Don’t’ say, “Please cooperate so we can use your room for the baby.”



Begging your child to cooperate teaches her to beg to get her way. Your goal is to motivate her to follow your directions by pointing out how she’ll benefit.



Instead, include your child, say. “Let’s go to the shopping center to look at ways to decorate your new room.”

Engaging your child in the plans and asking for her input validates her ownership of her new space and tells her that her ideas are important.



5)      Don’t tease. Don’t say, “Why are you afraid to move? Do you thing there’s a boogieman in y our new room?”

Teasing your child will teach her that you don’t care about her feelings, and it will show her how to tease others to get what she wants.



Instead, use praise. Say, “You’re so brave and strong. I know you’ll be okay in your new room.”

Helping your child focus on her strengths teaches her to appreciate her ability to handle change. She’ll be happy to accept change when you support her ability to do so. We all want this kind of validation.



52. “You’re going to have a babysitter tonight.” “NO. I don’t wanna babysitter!”



Helpful hints: * Plan a regular night out so your child can get accustomed to having a sitter.

Prepare your child well ahead of time when you’re planning an evening out. Give positive reminders throughout the day so he won’t be surprised when the sitter arrives and you leave.
Many sitters become “special friends” because they love to play with your child and help him learn new skills safely. Referring to them as :special friends” instead of sitters helps strengthen your child’s bond with them and helps him cope when separated from you.


1)      Don’t give in. don’t say, “Okay, if you don’t want us to get out, we won’t.”

Giving in to your child’s protests won’t let him practice being separated from you. He needs to learn to cope with separation in order to become independent and self-sufficient.



Instead, empathize. Say, “I’m sorry you don’t want us to go, but Mommy and Daddy are going out to dinner. We’ll come in and kiss you when we get home.”

Empathize with you child while being firm abut leaving. Doing so teaches him that your care about his feelings, and reassures him that he’ll be okay while you’re gone.



2)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? I thought you liked your sitter!”

Don’t suggest there’s something wrong with your child because he doesn’t want a sitter. This tells him that his feelings are unacceptable and that you’ll never tolerate his disagreeing with you.



Instead, be positive, say, “Your special friend, Laurie, is coming. You like her, and you always have so much fun together.”



Help your child look beyond his concern about separating from you toward the fun he’ll have with his “special friend.”



3)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Since you make such a fuss whenever we leave, we’re going to sneak out so you wont’ know.”

Never try this trick! Telling your child that you wont’ inform him when you leave violates his trust in you and increases his anxiety about your leaving. It also teaches him that it’s okay for him to sneak out and not tell you.



Instead, offer a choice. Say, “We’re going out on Friday night. What special friend do you want to come over and stay with you?”

Motivate your child to cooperate be letting him help select who’ll stay with him while you’re gone. He’ll feel important and validated because you value his opinion.



4)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, “I’m ashamed of you for making such a fuss in front of the sitter.”

Telling your child his behavior is shameful will only make separation harder for him. He’ll feel that he’s disappointed you and that he isn’t capable of doing what you’ve asked.



Instead, use praise. Day, “We’re going out this evening, and an new sitter is coming to stay with you until we get back. You’re brave and strong and can handle our being away for a while.”

Tell your child about your plans early in the day, and affirm his ability to handle separation.



53. “I’d like you to help me, please.”          “No. I don’t wanna help!”

Helpful hints: * Model empathy, caring, and helpfulness so your child will appreciate the importance of these behaviors.

Praise any helpfulness your child offers, to encourage her to repeat the behavior.
Consider what your older child is doing before asking her for help. Perhaps she needs time to finish her project, for example, before helping you.
1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Don’t you ignore me, young lady! Get in here and help me or you’ll be in time-out!”

Don’t try to motivate your child be demanding compliance. Doing so won’t help her develop empathy and caring, the true motivation for helping someone else.



Instead, use praise. Say, “I really need your help, and you’re such a good helper.”

Telling your child that you need her help will show her that she’s a valued member of the family.



2)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? I do everything for you all day long, and you won’t life a finger to help me!”

Ouch! This response diminishes your child’s self-worth and ability to accept making mistakes. It also damages your relationship with her. Suggesting that she’s flawed sends the erroneous message that her behavior defines who she is.



Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Tell me what you’re thinking when I ask you to get a diaper for your brother.



Your respectful request will give you insight into your child’s behavior and help you determine a course of action. It will also help your child develop the healthy habit of expressing herself.



3)      Don’t get angry. Don’t say, “You make me so mad when you ignore me. Now get in here and help me!”



Telling your child that she causes your anger diminishes her ability to empathize and makes her believe she has tremendous power over your emotions—a scary prospect for her. In reality, you are the only one who controls your feelings.



Instead, make a deal, say, “When you’re gotten the diaper for em, then we can read that book you’ve been asking me to read to you.”

Think about how you can help your child meet her agenda, and use that to motivate her to cooperate. This use of Grandma’s Rule shows her that when she’s done you’ve asked, then you can help her do what she wants.



4)      Don’t create fear. Don’t say, “I guess I’ll have to go out and find another little girl who’ll help me with your brother.”

Don’t try to motivate your child through fear! Suggesting that you’ll abandon her won’t teach her to want to help. It will, however, teach her that your love is conditional—that it comes and goes depending on her behavior. She may end up cooperating, but only to try to keep your love, not because she empathizes with you or her sibling. She’ll also learn the dangerous and erroneous lesson that she is what she does.



Instead, use praise. Say, “Thanks so much for your help. I don’t know what I’d do without my helper.”

Telling your child that you depend on her will motivate her to want to cooperate. To a child, love is spelled p-r-a-i-s-e.



54    “You’re in time-out.”  “No! I don’t wanna be in time-out.”

Helpful Hints: * Monitor your child during play time so you can intervene before his frustration gets out of hand.

Use time-out to let your child calm down and to reduce the risk of him hurting someone or himself.
Use time-out as a positive consequence that builds self-control, rather than as a punishment for inappropriate behavior.
Use time-out for inappropriate social behavior (hitting, biting, pushing, shoving, grabbing, name-calling) to show your child that respecting people is extremely important.


1)      Don’t label. Don’t’ say, “If you weren’t such a bad kid, you wouldn’t have to go to time-out.”

Telling your child that he’s bad will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Expect your child to live up, rather than down, to your expectations.



Instead, remind him about the rule. Say, “I understand you don’t want to go to time-out, but the rule says that because you chose to hit, you also chose to stop playing for awhile.”

Show your child that his choices result in predictable consequences.



2) Don’t rescue. Don’t say, “Okay, I know you’re sorry. You don’t have to stay in time-out.”

Don’t rescue your child from accepting responsibility for his actions, even though you think doing so will solve the problem. This teaches him that all he has to do is say he’s sorry to avoid time-out.



Instead, make a deal, say, “When you’ve stayed in time-out until the timer rings, then you may come back to play.”

Grandma’s Rule teaches your child to delay gratification and demonstrates your respect for his need to rejoin the fun.



2)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “If you’d behave like you’re supposed to, you wouldn’t have to go to time-out.”

Avoid guilt-tripping your child to motivate him to cooperate. Doing so doesn’t show him the benefits of choosing appropriate behavior when he’s frustrated.



Instead, stay positive. Say, “Time-out helps us calm down. When we’re clam, we can make better choices and have more fun.”

Point out the benefits of getting away from the action for w while. This helps your child learn the valuable lesson of removing himself from a tense situation when he gets upset.



3)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “I told you to go to time-out! Now get back in there or I’ll spank you!”

Threatening physical pain to gain your child’s cooperation teaches him that threatening is an acceptable way to control people’s behavior. Getting angry prevents you from teaching him how to behave appropriately and gives his behavior negative attention.



Instead, empathize. Say, “I’m sorry you chose not to stay in time-out. Now you’ll have to start time-out all over again.”

Telling your child you’re sorry models empathy for him, but retuning him to time-out tells him that he still needs to follow the rule.





55.  “Let’s leave your blanket at home.”        “NO. I wanna bring my blanket!”



Helpful hints: * Provide a warm, nurturing environment so your child feels safe giving up comfort items.

Make rules about where and when your child can use blankets, pacifiers, stuffed animals, and other comfort items.
Use birthdays as transition times to give up comfort items. For example, say, “Now that you’re five years old, let’s practice leaving teddy at home while you go to kindergarten.”
Restrict pacifier use to bedtime only, after consulting with your dentist to ensure that using a pacifier won’t damage the alignment of your child’s teeth or jaw.


1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t take that binky out of your mouth right now, I’ll throw it away.”

Never bully your child! Threatening to get rid of her binky is a cruel punishment for a crime she didn’t commit. Rather than helping her cope, bullying will only increase her insecurity and decrease her motivation to give up her binky.



Instead, use a timer. Say, “You may suck on your binky until the timer rings. Then we have to put it away until tomorrow.”

Using a timer is a non threatening way to help you and your child find a healthy compromise, which will increase her motivation to give up her binky,.



2)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “What’s the matter with you? Can’t you go anywhere without that stupid blanket?”

Telling your child there’s something’s the matter with her may lead her to believe that loving her blankie is wrong. In fact, using a special toy or blanket to self-soothe is normal for preschoolers. You may have fond memories of your own special lovie that never left your side when you were her age.



Instead, set limits, say, “I know you want to take your blankie to the library with us, but the rule says yu can use it only at home.”

Setting boundaries for using comfort items can help your child begin weaning herself from them.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you give up your binky, I’ll buy you some sparkle paints.”

Bribing your child won’t help her give up her lovie. Offering a reward will only distract her from learning to cope with change.



Instead, remind her about the rule, say, “Remember, the rule says your binky is only for bedtime. I think you can manage without it until then. Let’s find something fun to do.”

Restricting comfort items to certain times and refocusing your child’s attention on other activities lets her gradually give up the habit. The key to gaining her cooperation is to make her feel supported and loved.



4)      Don’t’ use putdowns. Don’t say, “You look and sound stupid when you have that thing in your mouth. Now take it out so I can understand you.”

Calling your child “stupid” will only increase her need for her binky. Name-calling will also teach her to use that tactic on others when she’s frustrated.



Instead, empathize. Say, “I’m sorry. I know you like your binky, but it’s important to take it out so people can understand what you’re saying.”

Gently explain the problem so your child understand s the practical need for removing her pacifier. Let her know that you appreciate how much she loves her binky.





56-60 Growing up

56 “Let’s visit Grandma in the nursing home.”      “No. I don’t wanna go see grandma!”

Helpful hints: * Model kindness, empathy, and caring for grandparents and other older members of your community.

Avoid complaining about having to visit elderly friends and relatives or about how bad conditions are in the nursing home.
1)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “What do you mean you don’t want to go? Don’t you care about grandma?”

Using guilt to motivate your child won’t help him develop his abilities to empathize and care for others. Instead, it implies that he’s wrong to have certain feelings.



Instead, empathize. Say, ‘I understand you don’t want to visit grandma, but she loves to see you. I know she’d love for you to visit.”

Helping your child think about how others feel will elicit his natural empathy. Give him time to think about how good it feels to make others happy.



2)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, “Grandma will be really mad at you if you don’t come.”

Don’t tell your child that his reluctance will anger grandma. Doing so will diminish his ability to empathize with her. He’ll resent the fact that expressing his true feelings will make someone angry.



Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Please tell me your reasons for not wanting to go. Help me understand.”

Eliciting your child’s thoughts will give you important information that may help solve the problem. Maybe he’s resisting because the sights, sounds, and smells of the nursing home upset him. If so, ask him to bring Grandma flowers, lotion, or one of his drawings to help sweeten the surroundings.



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you go with me to the nursing home, then I’ll buy you some pizza on the way home.”

Bribing your child will teach him to expect a reward when he does what you’ve asked. This doesn’t teach him the important lesson that caring for others is its own reward.



Instead, make a deal, say, “When we’ve visited grandma, then we can stop at the park on the way home.”

Grandma’s Rule teaches your child to meet h is responsibilities before fulfilling his desires—a lesson that will help him prioritize his duties as he gets older. It also tells him how he can have control over his life—a goal he’s had since birth.



4)      Don’t use anger. Don’t say, “I’m sick and tired of your not wanting to visit grandma. Now get in the car!”

Getting angry will make your child even more fearful and apprehensive. Making your love conditional will tell him he must obey your commands in order to be cared for—a frightening prospect for him.



Instead, offer benefits. Say, “Let’s bring grandma the drawing you made this morning. She’ll love to see it, and you’ll enjoy showing it to her.”

Focusing  your child’s attention on making Grandma happy will help draw out his natural empathy. Pointing out how grandma admires his artwork will strengthen the bond between them.



57  “Please walk by yourself.”      “No. I want you to carry me!”



Helpful hints: * Make rules about when and how long you can carry your child during an outing.

Praise your child’s ability to walk.
Remember that your child’s legs are shorter than yours and can’t cover as much ground as quickly.
Gradually increase your child’s tolerance for walking. Start with short trips around the neighborhood, then begin to lengthen  your excursions as her stamina increases.
Limit stroller use so your child can learn to enjoy walking and get the needed exercise.


1) Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “Why can’t you walk by yourself? Do you want to grow up to be fat and lazy?”

Suggesting that your child will become fat and lazy doesn’t show her how to cope with her need to be carried, and it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.



Instead, offer an alternative. Say, “I wish I could carry you, but my hands are full. When we get home, you can sit on my lap while we read a book.”

Offering your child another option tells her that you value her desire to snuggle and that you want to work with her to find the best way to do that. What teamwork she’ll be learning!



2) Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you’ll walk by yourself, I’ll stop and by you some ice cream.”

Bribing your child with food tells her that you should reward her for doing what you ask. It also associates food with your approval—a dangerous strategy that can result in eating disorders and childhood obesity.



Instead, make a deal. Say, “I’m sorry I can’t carry you right now, but we can hold hands while we shop.”

Offering your child an attractive compromise demonstrates sensitivity to her needs with out sacrificing your own.



3) Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “Don’t you know I’m exhausted? You only think about yourself. Now just do your own walking.”

Guilt-tripping won’t motivate your child to walk so she can become more independent. Instead, it will teach her to comply only because her refusal may hurt you. You don’t want her to be afraid to tell you how she feels.



Instead, use positive feedback. Say, “You’re walking so well by yourself. I know you can hold out a little longer.”

Praising your child motivates her to keep going. Her pride in her accomplishment will increase her desire to walk on her own.



58 “Please take your thumb out of your mouth.”    “No. I wanna suck my thumb!”



Helpful hints. * Take your child to the dentist regularly to assess any damage thumb sucking might be causing.

Enlist your child’s dentist to work with you and your child to encourage him to keep his thumb out of his mouth.


1)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “Get that thumb out of your mouth or I’ll put hot sauce on it.”

Threatening to put hot sauce (or soap or pepper) on your child’s thumbe teaches him that you’re willing to inflict pain to force him to cooperate.



Instead, empathize. Say, “I know it’s hard to keep your thumb out of your mouth. Let’s find other things that are good for you to do that will keep your hands busy.”

Let your child know that you understand how hard it is for him to keep his thumb out of his thumb. Doing so helps him trust what you say. When he feels you’re in his corner, he’ll be more inclined to cooperate.



2)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you keep your thumb out of your mouth, I’ll buy you a new bike.” Promising to give your child a big-ticket item if he does what you ask teaches him to hold out for that promise whenever you request something.



Instead, practice alternative behaviors. Say, “Let’s practice sitting on your hands while you watch TV. That way you can’t put your thumb in your mouth. Good job sitting on your hands.”

Teaching your child preventive behaviors will help him reach the goal you’ve established. In addition, praising his cooperation will encourage him to repeat the behavior.



3)      Don’t discount. Don’t say, “I don’t care what your father says when you’re at his house. I’m telling you to get that thumb out of your mouth.”

Discounting the other parent teaches your child to divide and conquer in order to get what he wants/ Present a united front that has your child’s best interests in mind.



Instead, remind him about the goal. Say, “Keeping your thumb out of your mouth helps you take care of your new permanent teeth.”

Remind your child of the goal; taking care of his teeth. Keep your tone positive so your child focuses on what to do instead of what not to do.



59 “It’s time to go potty.”        “No. I don’t wanna go potty!”

The reasons for this protest are as varied as children themselves; not wanting to interrupt their play, being afraid to use toilets in strange places, not feeling the need to go, and so on. Ask your three-year-old to tell you what she’s thinking when she resists using the potty, so you can make the experience as easy and comfortable as possible at home or away.

Helpful hints:  * Don’t constantly ask your child if she has to go potty. She may learn to depend on your asking and avoid initiating toileting herself.

Encourage your child to use the potty before you bein long car trips or othe excursions.
Avoid complaining about making a potty stop. Your attitude is contagious.


1)      Don’t yell. Don’t say, “When I tell you to go potty, I mean it. Now get in there and go!”

Being bossy might give you the impression that you can control your child’s behavior, but it won’t teach her how to listen and cooperate. You can control only your reaction to your child’s behavior, not the behavior itself.



Instead, offer praise. Say, “Thank you for sitting on the potty when I asked you to. Now you can stay dry, and I know you like feeling dry.”

Thanking your child for using the potty and reminding her that staying dry is important will encourage her to continue cooperating. Since she craves your approval, give her lots of praise when she cooperates.



2)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t go potty now, I’m going to get mad. You don’t want me to get mad, do you?”

Using anger to motivate your child’s behavior will diminish her ability to empathize. You want her to care about others and treat them with respect; therefore, treat her as you would like her to treat you or anyone else.



Instead, practice. Say, “Let’s practice using the potty. Okay, let’s walk from the kitchen to the bathroom. Now let’s life the toilet seat…”

Practicing walking to the bathroom from various parts of your home can help motivate your child to stay dry. Encourage her to use the potty when she needs to and when you ask her to (before car trips, before bed, and so on).



3)      Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you’ll use the potty, I’ll give you some candy.”

Bribing your child tells her that she deserves a reward for cooperating.



Instead, make a deal, say, “I know you don’t wan to go potty right now, but when you’ve gone, then you can continue to play with your toys.”

Using Grandma’s Rule helps motivate your child to take care of business before having fun, an important lesson for her to learn.



4)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “I give up. I’m sick and tired of your being so stubborn.”

Telling your child that she’s stubborn sends her the hurtful message that she and her behavior are the same. Her behavior can change from appropriate to inappropriate; however, she’s always worthy of your love regardless of how she behaves.



Instead, offer gentle reminders. Say, “Check your pants. Are they dry? Doesn’t dry feel good?”

Having your child check her pants reminds her that she’d better go potty in order to keep herself dry.





60 “Let me read to you.”    “No. I don’t wan t you to read to me!”

Helpful hints: * Make reading to your child a part of your daily routine, so he learns to anticipate story time.

Let your child see you reading by yourself each day. Being a good role model will motivate your child to wan to read.
Limit TV time and suggest reading when your child wants to be entertained.
Avoid complaining about having to read the same book to your child every night. Children find comfort in repetition and consistency, so find ways to maintain y our enthusiasm


1)      Don’t overreact. Don’t say, “What the matter with you? Why don’t you want me to read to you?”

Don’t suggest that there’s something wrong with you child because he doesn’t want to do something. Doing so teaches him that disagreeing with you sis wrong. To make matters worse, asking a “why’ question makes him have to defend himself.



Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Help me understand the reasons why your don’t want me to read to you.”

Asking for feedback will give you valuable insight that will help you modify your approach and increase your child’s receptivity.



2)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “I took time out of my busy day to read to yoi, and now you don’t want me to. What’s the problem?”

Making your child feel guilty won’t teach him to cooperate. It will only lead him to bottle up his feelings and distrust that you’ll accept his honest sharing.



Instead, make a deal, say, “When we’ve read together until the timer ring, then you may play with your toys.”

Respect your child’s agenda while encouraging your own. You want reading time; he wants play time. Grandma’s Rule allows your child to do what he wants after he’d done what you’ve asked.



3)      Don’t demand. Don’t say, “Reading is important, and I’m going to rad to you whether you like it or not.”

Forcing your child to listen to you read won’t instill a desire for reading. No one wants to be backed into a corner, so don’t do it to your child.

Instead, be positive, say, “We had such fun reading this book last night, I thought it would be fun to read it again!”

Reminding your child of how pleasant story time was in the past can motivate him to want you to read to him again. When you stay positive, your child

Section X Health 61-65

第十部分：健康篇

61 “Please put on your glasses.”        “No. I don’t wanna wear glasses!”



Helpful hints: * Make rules about when your child should wear glasses.

Avoid complaining about wearing glasses or about their high cost. Your attitude is contagious.
Compliment the glasses that others are wearing so your child sees that you think glasses are cool.


1)      Don’t use guild. Don’t say, “I paid a lot for those glasses, so you’re going to were them.”

Don’t expect that your child should do what you ask in order to make you feel good.



Instead, invite feedback. Say, “Tell me what you don’t like about your glasses.”

Asking for your child’s opinion can give you insight into her thinking can help you develop a plan to encourage her cooperation. If she say, “They hut my nose,” you can adjust the nosepiece.



2)      Don’t scare your child. Don’t say, “If you don’t wear your glasses, you’ll fall down the stairs and hut yourself.”

Predicting dire consequences for not following directions teaches your child to wear her glasses out of fear, not because it will help her navigate her world.



Instead, play a game. Say, ‘Let’s see how long you can keep your glasses on. I’ll set the timer and you keep them on till it rings.”

Setting goals will help your child grow accustomed to wearing her glasses. Gradually increase the wearing time each day. Soon she’ll have them on all day.



3)      Don’t ignore her feelings. Don’t say, “I don’t care if the kids make fun of you. I don’t wan to hear about it.”

Your lack of empathy will destroy your child’s desire to cooperate and will tell her that she’s on her own. What a scary place the world be without your support.



Instead, be positive. Say, “I know you don’t like wearing your glasses, but you can see things much better when you go.”

Pointing out the benefits of doing what you ask can help your child look beyond the temporary discomfort of getting used to glasses.  Let her know that you’re on her side.



4)      Don’t beg. Don’t say, “Please wear your glasses. Do it for mommy!”

Begging your child to cooperate will make her feel guilty when she doesn’t want to do what you ask. Plus, it will teach her to beg to motivate others to cooperate.

Instead, remind her about the rule. Say, “The rule says that you need to wear your glasses during the day.”

This helps your child understand that you’re her ally with the common goal of following the rule.



62. “Let’s put on sunscreen.”      “No. I don’t wanna wear sunscreen.”



Helpful hints: * Choose sunscreen (and bug repllent) that’s effective and safe for young children.

Make rules about when and where you child needs to use sunscreen and/or buy repellent


1)      Don’t give in. don’t say, “I’m tired of fighting with you about sunscreen. If you get burned, maybe you’ll learn.”

Natural consequences are often effective motivators, but sometimes they’re too dangerous to allow. This is one of those times. Telling your child that you don’t care if he gets sunburned sends him the message that you don’t care enough about him to enforce the rule.

Instead, remind him about the rule. Say, “What’s the rule about going out in the sun?”

Asking your child to tell you the rule not only reminds him of what you want him to do, it helps him internalize the behavior. Eventaually, it will become a habit that doesn’t require a reminder.



2)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t come over here this instant, I’m going to smack you.”

Punishing your child for not cooperating will only increase his fear and ganger; it won’t motivate him to learn important lessons about staying safe. Threatening physical teaches him that might makes right—a harmful lesson.



Instead, ask questions. Say, “Can you tell me why you don’t like this sunscreen?”

When you understand your child’s objections, you can resolve them to gain his cooperation. If he doesn’t like the smell, you can buy something that’s more appealing. This empathetic approach tells your child that you respect his feelings.



3)      Don’t brie. Don’t say, “If you’ll let me put sunscreen on you, I’ll buy you a treat at the concession stand.”

Bribing teaches your child that cooperation comes at a price; it also teaches him that it’s okay to manipulate others by “buying” their compliance.

Instead, make a deal. Say, “When you have sunscreen on, then you may go in the pool.”

Grandma’s Rule helps both of you compromise to meet your agendas—fist yours, then your child’s.



4)      Don’t use fear. Don’t say, “If you don’t put sunscreen on, you’ll get cancer.”

Threatening dire consequences may motivate your child to do what you ask out of fear, but it won’t teach him how to protect himself.

Instead, be positive. Say, “WE need to protect our skin from the sun so we don’t get burned. When we use sunscreen, it keeps us safe and healthy.”



63. “It’s time to go to the doctor.” “No. I don’t wanna go to the doctor!”

Helpful hints: * Select a doctor who uses kind language, lets you stay with your child, and relates well with children. Your insurance policy may limit your options, but do your best to find a healthcare provider who works well with children.

Talk to your child about getting to go to the doctor rather than having to go.


1)      Don’t give in. don’t say, “You’re so scared to go to the doctor, you’re shaking. I’m going to cancel your appointment.”

Avoiding fearful events won’t help your child learn to cope with them. In addition, it’s irresponsible to risk her health because of your well-interntioned efforts to protect her.

Instead, redirect her attention. Say, “I know you don’t want to go, but the doctor helps you stay healthy. Let’s think of fun things you can do at the doctor’s office.”

Focus your child on the books, toys, stickers, and other things she enjoys at the doctor’s office. Teaching your child to refocus will help her cope with other unpleasant situations throughout her life.



2)      Don’t label. Don’t say, “Don’t be a baby! The doctor’s not going to hurt you.”

Calling your child a baby discounts her fears and teaches her that you don’t believe she can handle the challenge. These messages undermine y our effort to motivate her to cooperate.

Instead, ask questions. Say, “What don’t you like about going to the doctor?”

Asking your child for her thoughts helps you understand her fears. It also lets her know that you’re empathizing with her and trying to understand what’s bothering her. Both can motivate her to cooperate.



3)      Don’t shame. Don’t say, “The doctor doesn’t like children who aren’t brave.

Shaming your child teaches her that she’s inadequate and unlikable because she’s afraid. It also tells her that she is what she feels and that she can’t become brave. Both are myths you don’t want to create.

Instead, affirm her ability. Say, “I understand that you don’t want to go to the doctor, but you’re brave and strong and I know you can handle it.”

Telling your child she’s courageous and capable will lessen her fears and motivate her to cope with other frightening events.



4)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “You’ve got to go to the doctor or you’ll get really sick. Do it for me!

Using guilt to motivate cooperation is a sure recipe for disaster. Your child will not only fear what might happen to her if she doesn’t go, she’ll fear losing your love and approval if she doesn’t comply with your request.



Instead, change the focus. Say, “When we’re through with your checkup, then we’ll have lunch at Grandma’s. she always loves to see you.

Looking beyond the immediate task to a pleasant event that will follow can help your child overcome her fears.



64. “It’s time to take your medicine.”  “No. I don’t wanna take my medicine!”

Helpful hints: * Always try to put yourself in your child’s shoes to understand how he feels, and remember to provide plenty of hugs with the medicine.

Check with your pharmacist to find out if your child’s medicine comes in a tasty flavor or in a form that’s easier to take.
Avoid complaining about taking your own medicine.
If your child has difficulty swallowing medicine or gags when trying to swallow, make it more palatable by mixing it with food (if medically appropriate), by using a special spoon, by making a game out of taking it, or by using an oral syringe. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist if you have any questions about how your child should take the medicine.


1)      Don’t tattle. Don’t say, “Do you want me to tell the doctor you won’t take your medicine?”

Threatening to tattle will make your child fear the doctor.

Instead, make it a game. Say, “I know you don’t like the taste of the medicine, but it’s important for you to take it. Let’s do it on three. Ready? One, two, three, down it goes.”

Reinforce the importance of taking the medicine, and make it fun to take. This will motivate y our child with the promise of fun and your attention—a priceless combination!



2)      Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you spit the medicine back out, I’ll slap you. Now swallow it.”

Threatening your child with physical violence may achieve results in the short term, but it will teach him that might makes right. In addition, knowing that he has no control over the situation will make him feel helpless.



Instead, make a deal, say, “When you’ve swallowed the medicine, then you may have a drink of milk.”

Grandma’s Rule helps your child learn to tolerate unpleasantness and delay gratification. Knowing he’ll get to replace the nasty taste with something good helps feel more in control.



3)      Don’t threaten to take away privileges. Don’t say, “If you don’t take your medicine, you can’t watch TV today.”

Taking away your child’s TV privileges won’t help him learn to cooperate so he can take are of himself. It will only set the stage for a battle when he wants to watch TV.

Instead, focus on the positive. Say. “This medicine is going to help you get well. Every time you take it, you’ll feel better.”

Stressing the important link between medicine and health—and using the power of suggestion—will help your child be more cooperative. He’ll also learn that he can help keep himself healthy.



4)      Don’t belittle. Don’t say, “you know better than that. Now take your medicine.”

Implying that your child’s stupidity is preventing his cooperation creates three problems: it makes him upset that you think he’s stupid, it makes him feel bad about himself, and it makes him further resist taking his medicine.



Instead, affirm your child. Say, “I’m sorry you don’t like the medicine, but you’re brave and strong and I know you can swallow it.”

Affirming your child’s strength and bravery helps him wan to prove to you and himself that he has these qualities. He wins and you win: The medicine goes down and his self-image goes up.



65, “You need to get a shot.”    “No. I don’t wanna get a shot!”

Helpful hints: * If possible, choose a doctor or nurse who handles these procedures well and who’s good with children.

Avoid telling your child horror stories about when you got shots or stitches, but be honest with her about how getting them feels. You don’t want to compromise her trust by telling her the procedure doesn’t hurt.
Check with your doctor about providing fund distractions while your child is getting a shot or stitches. For example, have your child blow bubbles with a bubble wand during procedure.


1)      Don’t use guilt. Don’t say, “Do it for Mommy.”

Using guilt will teach your child to do tasks only to make you happy or to prevent your displeasure. She should cooperate because she wants to improve her health, not because she wants to avoid hurting your feelings.

Instead, stay positive. Say, “I know you don’t want to get a shot, but it’s very important to keep you healthy.”

Focus your child on the benefits of getting the shot or stitches.



2)      Don’t use putdowns. Don’t say, “Don’t be a wuss like your daddy.”

When you criticize your child’s other parent, you force your little one to choose sides. She’ll think, “I don’t want to like a daddy!” and she’ll cooperate just to stay on your good side.



Instead, compliment, say, ”I know you’re brave and strong and can handle getting a shot to stay healthy.”

Affirming your child’s bravery and strength will encourage her to overcome her fear.



3)      Don’t lie. Don’t say, “Shots don’t hut. I don’t know hwy you ‘re making such a fuss.”

Lying to your child and discounting her fears mean double trouble: You’re undermining her trust in you, and you’re telling her you don’t care about her fears.



Instead, be honest, say, “I know that shots hurt a little, but they don’t last long. Let’s blow bubbles while you get the shot, and you’ll feel better in a jiffy.”

Lovingly acknowledge e what your child I is going through. You emotional and physical support will l help her believe that you’ll always tell the truth and always be there when she need you.

我把前面已经翻的，重新编辑了一下，累死了。

不过，看着已经翻的，和这么长的英文，还是挺得意的！

 

俺英文不好，看英文太累，就等着你翻了，不过，别着急，别累倒，慢慢翻      

那好，我就慢慢翻，争取一周翻个１－２节。

对了，第二节，‘坐车’的已经更新了。

还有没有愿意翻译的，欢迎报名哟，鱼儿会给你们加分的哟，对吧？

好了，第三节也翻完了。

本周任务完成了，看看有时间还能不能超额完成任务。。  

第４０楼，第四节，关于‘下车’的，也翻完了。

明天争取翻第５节。

好了，第５节，“乘坐电梯”的也更新了。

本周任务完成了。

开心！

真好，加油啊！！加油！

天哪！！！

因为和老公商量着怎么对孩子说话。

我居然找出来我两年前学习中的一本好书。

自己再次学习一下。也佩服一下两年前的自己。。。得意。。。

oh,mygod!俺的英语不太过关，想当初本科学历就差在英语上了。楼主啊，辛苦辛苦，还是译成中文俺看着亲切，还通俗。

非常实用的帖子！多谢三文！